


Come and find me

by godivapearl



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Action & Romance, Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Forbidden Love, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren in Love, Kylo Ren is a Mess, POV Kylo Ren, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Romance, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-03-14 09:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13587090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godivapearl/pseuds/godivapearl
Summary: It all started suddenly, unexpected. Neither of them were prepared for it.





	1. I.

When she opened her eyes the first thing she realized was the hurting light, then the terrible smell of betadine hit her nose, she quickly came to realize she was in a medical room. Her head throbbed and something was badly aching in her back making her quickly changing her mind about sitting up. To the shifting noise she made, a blue medical droid came in.

“Can you maybe tell me where I am?” she asked but after the droid made sure she was awake, it just turned around and left, not bothering with an answer.

“Let the General know, patient MTA232 has awaken.” She heard from outside the droid’s voice. _The General? What on earth happened exactly? Where is she now?_ The memories slowly started to come back, emerging from the blur.  _They were on the base shuttle when the attack and the explosion came, they were all in there… No_. When the pictures started to clear up the wave of desperation hit her mind, so she quickly pushed them away. She felt too tired to deal with it right now. She closed her eyes again, trying to get rid of the harsh light and ease her headache. She tried to focus on nothing, keeping her thoughts and feeling locked out, escaping from the cruel reality. She didn’t know how long she laid there like that, before an annoyed, official voice snapped her out of her mind.

“You said she’s awake.”

“Patient MTA 232 is confirmed to be awaken.” The droid answered from outside. She turned her head to the direction of the sounds to see two figure standing in the doorway of her room. Both of them in the head to toe black official Order uniform, but one with a mask, also black, with silver details around the eye level. She immediately knew who he was and the fact made her feel a lump forming in her throat. The General and the Commander of the First Order stood before her.

She somehow managed to sit up, wincing as the pain twitched in her back again, raising her eyes on the two man, waiting for them to tell whatever they wanted to tell her. She felt hell of uncomfortable, she didn’t know how long since she was passed out, where she was exactly and why the leaders of the Order stood before her... not to mention the ache in her head.

“Ms. Novall, glad you finally awake.” the General started, his voice blank, far from any kind of gladness, his features maching his tone.

“My name is General Armitage Hux and I require your assistance in the process ahead.” Lana stayed silent, slowly nodding whatever process he had meant.

“Do you have any idea why are you here?” came the question from Hux, his pale blue eyes fixing her reaction. She opened her mouth to reply but before she could answer, she heard the Commander’s deep, intimidating distorted voice. 

“No, she doesn’t.”

_Was it that obvious? How long was she here?_

“You are on the board of the Starkiller, in the medical bay for almost 2 weeks now.”  Kylo Ren informed her, reflecting on the questions _in her mind._ _Oh hell._

 “Thank you Ren for the clarification.” Hux nodded coldly, then added.

“I’d go on. Could you tell us Ms. Novall what exactly do you remember before your base shuttle was shut down?”

Lana needed to face the fact she had no choice but remembering. She tried to catch all the pictures crossing through her mind, but her brain seemed to refuse to put the pictures together.

“We were up on the base shuttle on a mission, six of us. Me and the other part of the communication team with two analyzing unit we usually work with. We had heard the alarm sign, so we tried to reboot the system...” she started, her voice weak, her chest felt heavy.

“Maiden and I started to inform our group and send signals to the Scarif base, but the signals were blocked. Then she…” she stopped, her sight fixing her lap, but stil felt the looks on her, especially a piercing gaze coming from the one in black, she felt in her gut even through his mask.

“Go on.” the General waved impatiently. Lana took a deep breath and continue.

“Then Maiden wanted to let the others know, so she went back up to inform them then the hit came... The shuttle exploded…”

“How come you stayed down? You are the only one survived and it makes you, how can I say properly… suspicious. We have a strong suspect on someone gives information to the Resistance. Did they give you the hint about their attack for exchange?”

Lana didn’t believe her ears. _What? Are they accusing her with treason?_ The open accusation caught her off guard but before she could speak up, the General continued.

“Enough of the storytime. Ren, check her out.”

“All right, then get out General.” Ren waved him off. Hux’s face hardened, something warningly flickered in his eyes, it was quite obvious by his expression he didn’t intented to leave but it seemed he chose the easier way and simply left.

Lana raised her look on the black helmet. Facing that mask made shivers down her spine.

_It’s really him._

She had heard about Kylo Ren for sure, he was the Commander of the First Order after all, but she had never seen him before and she never thought she would. She had heard he had to wear the mask because he was so devilish no one could look at him directly, some also said that he wasn’t human at all. From head to toe black, with his expressionless mask his tall figure towering above her, he did looked intimidating but she didn’t felt like a monster stood before her. However his gaze made her unpleasant, and she felt a knot forming in her throat as she tried to hold his look, she wasn’t as scared as she had ever imagined she would. She felt rather anger than fear. _Are they really think she’s a spy?_

He watched the frightened girl struggling to face him. It wasn’t unexpected, she however was braver then others usually, she did not turn away, her almond shaped brown eyes faced him. They were so deep, mix of fear, puzzlement and pain reflected in them, and something, he couldn’t figure out what it was exactly. He didn’t understand why but he sensed her emotions very intense, her thoughts were screaming out of her head. She was angry, confused and desperate. He also felt her physical pain, she must had have some serious injuries, but the memory of the incident was deeper, he couldn’t reach it without some research.

“Uncomfortable?” he suddenly asked breaking the silence. Lana almost scoffed at the question. _Uncomfortable? How accurate._ After a short pause, she answered, a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

“I have no idea what happened to me in the past weeks, why am I here exactly, who am I talking to and I just found out I am accused by being a spy. So I assume the answer is yes.”

So there was _fire in her_ also. He raised an eyebrow under his mask, surprised by her confidence. Despite the fact of her fear, she seemed quite brave… And that was the moment when he realized she wasn’t afraid _of him_. The girl still faced him, her jaw clenched, her lips pursed, now anger flickering in her eyes. Considering the situation he then answered. “However I came to interrogate you, I answer your question first, it’s only fair. After the Resistance attack to your base shuttle as only survivor you were transferred to the StarKiller base, and got cured. To answer what happened to you is the same question I want answer for. And I am the Commander of the First Order, may you have heard about me.” he finished and then with a click and a hissing sound he removed his mask.

As she saw him reaching to the back of his helmet, Lana froze, that was something she didn’t see coming. He pulled it off then put it on the nightstand next to the girl. Her eyes followed its way, then looked back at him in complete shock.

He wasn’t look like as people had said, nor as she had expected. Kylo Ren definitely was not a hideous creature behind, he was very much human-like. The black helmet had hidden a surprisingly young man, with deep brown eyes, brown locks framed his soft still characteristic features. As their eyes connected, she felt that piercing gaze much more intense, she felt like she was completely transparent and knowing that he could hear her thoughts didn’t really helped either.

“Now you know everything you wanted, so it’s my turn now.” he continued. His natural voice was also deep, but somehow also smooth, perfectly matching his features. Maybe that was why he needed the mask.

“Don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you. But you need to show me what happened exactly.” He said leaning forward.

“I am not a traitor, I didn’t know…” she started but she stopped when Ren raised one of his gloved hands just right before her face. It was so close, she almost felt the cold touch of the leather. She immediately started to feel a pressure on her forehead, and with every second it got deeper in her head. As the pressure grew she had to shut her eyes close as she began to see her own memories, coming through the surface one by one like a movie. It started with pictures from her short childhood, some really old blurry ones, then others from the war... _Death, pain._ She saw herself hiding for days under the ruins of their house until a Stormtrooper find and saved her. Then she saw herself at the Academy, then the base, the palm trees and the azure sea of Scarif. Then faces… Madien and Noa the ones who she worked since the Academy, the ones she could call as her friends.

_And now they are gone._

The pressure grew wider, she had to squeeze her eyes.  

“Don’t fight, make it easier.” She heard Ren’s voice. She really didn’t want to make it harder, she had nothing to hide, but her mind fought to relive that night. _When it all happened again._ All her loved ones died just before in front of her eyes. She heard them screaming, she wanted to go up and help but she just couldn’t opened the gate… She couldn’t do anything to help them. And then she lost her conscious as the shuttle crushed into the ground… _Then it was just her again_. She stood in the middle of nowhere. It was dark and cold. Just her and her emotions. _Pain, fear and vulnerability_ , all surrounded by something bigger: _loneliness_. It was everywhere, every corner of her mind…

It stopped as quickly as it started, the pressure was gone. She opened her eyes, and realized she was crying. Her tears were falling down onto her lap helplessly, the same way as she felt herself. Reliving those moments made Lana felt crushed, like she was smashed into small pieces, her whole body sored, her head felt like a whole Death Star have been through it, and her soul felt so empty it almost hurt.

Ren stayed silent watching the girl as she tried to catch herself up. She let him really deep, to the very inside of her mind. He didn’t understand, he didn’t try to reach her feelings. They were deeper than the memories and it was nearly impossible to get there without causing serious physical pain. It seemed like she rather faced her deep feelings than the memories causing them. _She was so lonely_. He could understand, he knew that place too well. Being in there, in her very soul… it was like looking into a mirror.

The girl was shaking, and as she raised her brown almond eyes to him, he felt something, an urge to comfort her and ease her pain. He clenched his fist in frustration and stood up breaking the eye contact.

“I let the General know you’re clear.” he said and put his helmet back on, then walked out.

As a Force user, and a really strong one, feel others feelings or read their minds, wasn’t a really a big thing for him. He always could handle, and use this skill exactly like and when he wanted to. But now he struggled ignoring the small blond girl’s presence, and it scared him.


	2. II.

The days were only trudging in the infirmary. In the first two days after being conscious again Lana just tried to sleep, excluding the reality but she gave it up soon enough. Nightmares tortured her, the pictures of the accident replayed in her mind again and again. Then the easier way seemed to simply stay awake and distract herself. It wasn’t as easy either. The room was small and very minimalistic, only white walls and a small nightstand surrounded her. Medical droids checked on her three times a day, examining her current status and giving her medicines and food. They barely talked to her, not even when she asked them. She wasn’t sure if they were just programmed like this, or they were told not to give her any information. Thinking about what would happen to her after her full recovery seemed pointless anyway. Would they sent her back to Scarif? She wasn’t sure she could handle going back there without _them_ … In this way she could pretend if she was just replaced somewhere also, and they were still there, unharmed.

She wouldn't be able to tell how many days passed exactly until the next visit of the General. As she saw him standing in the doorway again with two troopers behind his back, an uncomfortable feeling surrounded her immediately. There was something in his presence she didn’t like, and it wasn’t because of the last time when he technically sentenced her to death. She knew a thing or two about his history, she had heard of Brandon Hux and his role in the Empire, and she had heard the rumors about his son was one of the reason of his death.  

“Miss Novall, I was very relieved to hear you are still a dedicated member of the First Order. According to our reports, you did a great work in the Communication team back in the Scarif base, so I happily inform you that you are assigned for a new position here.” Hux said, his voice was bored, blank. His expression matching his tone. She remained silent waiting for him to continue.

“Your role would be very similar, but with a significant change. Your task will be analyze the commnication reports find the connections and get back to me twice a week. Based on your current medical status, you will start within 3 days. Is that all clear?” Lana slowly nodded. Until now, she was reporting here, now she would receive the reports… She would be responsible for the whole galaxy’s communication analyzation?

“Yes Sir. And thank you Sir.” She quickly added, as the formalities probably required her to do so. Hux merely nodded before left.

 

 

Her quarter was quite big, with a kitchen corner, a bedroom and an own small bathroom, which was something she could really appreciate. She practically had no personal belongings, also she had a new uniform, so nothing had been sent to her from Scarif. The StarKiller itself was really depressing with its grey metal walls everywhere, but it was a military base after all. She missed the palm trees and the beautiful azure sea, the heat of the sun on her face. Outside of the StarKiller was nothing but snow and ice. However her physical pain had gone entirely her soul still felt so empty. There was nobody to talk to, no one she could turn to in the entire galaxy. 

On her first workday she examined herself in the small mirror hanging above the sink. She checked again her First Order bun, carefully smudging the tiny blonde baby hairs. The high collard black duty uniform fit her frame well. She wondered if this whole thing not happening because of ... _that_ , she could had been even proud. But she felt only pure remorse. She shouldn’t be here, she shouldn’t be alive. But there she was, having no choice but continue her life. She took a deep breath and made her way to her office. She held her holopad checking the map to find it, but that goddamn base was huge, and every corner and inch seemed so similar. She would need a whole life to get used to it. After a few unnecessary bypass she finally reached her destination. She typed in her personal code she had got, and the door opened with a light hiss. She stepped in, looking around. The office was quite small and simple, her desk was the biggest part of it. She took one more step in when an unexpected noise made her nearly jump out of her skin. She turned her head into the direction and realized a BB9E unit there. It beeped again warningly.

“You really just tell me I was late?”

She raised an eyebrow while sitting down on the chair, next to the droid.

“I didn’t get the information about you.” She added.

It answered with a few beep, not kinder this time either.

“You are a grumpy little iron piece aren’t you?” She asked rolling her eyes, but actually she was relieved she didn’t have to work alone. She could use the company, not to mention the fact that these units could make her work much easier.

“Where should we start then?” She sighed activating her screens. Making confidential reports seemed to require a lot of security measures, she had to note 3 different codes to reach every document and program she needed.

Lana honestly always enjoyed her job, not because it was interesting but she actually was good at it. That was how she could make it to the Scarif back then so quickly.

The driods of the First Order usually wasn’t friendly ones, but soon enough the silver-blue unit started to tolerate her and it was enough for Lana not to feel completely alone.

Before her first one to one meeting with Hux, she spent almost an hour to memorize the way to the Commander Bay. She could had asked 9E to show her the easiest path but she was too proud to give the droid that satisfaction, it was too cocky anyway. Somehow she managed to reach it in time, moreover she was early a bit, so she had to wait standing before a big black metal wall, guarded by two troopers. They were standing there in complete silence for long minutes when suddenly the door opened without any other sign and a tall black figure stormed out.

 _It was him_.

She hadn’t seen him since her arrival. She didn’t really expected to meet him ever again though. She thought as a highly rank officer as himself probably rarely on board completing missions, not to mention that he was the Master of the Knights of Ren, which sounded like a pretty busy role too. As he appeared the troopers looked frozen in their place, if they didn’t dare to catch even for breath. He almost disappeared reaching the corner when he suddenly turned around, his masked face finding Lana’s eyes. He didn’t move or say anything merely looked at her for a few seconds, then turned back and left. One of the troopers turned his head to also look at her, as he wanted to understand what just happened. She also had no idea. The voice of the General snapped her out of her mind.

“Come.”

She stepped in the Commander panel, finding Hux standing before a huge window where he could see the whole Trooper base. He slowly turned around, his face steady as always but there was something flickering in his pale eyes. _Concern maybe?_

“I didn’t had any time to read your report, I do apologize. I’d be thankful if you could share it with me in a nutshell.”

“Naturally Sir. I rechecked the previous reports as you had asked. I can confirm the results were correct so I already started to work with them. Currently I am analyzing the recent reports and making the comparison.”

“Great. So we are one step closer to find the Resistance base.” _The Resistance base? Oh great. What did she dragged herself into?_

However she had a faint idea about what she was looking for exactly, hearing from the General confirming her suspect hit her by surprise. She needed to find the inconsistency in the reports to find the rebel center…

_Well, it would had been easier if she knew from the beginning._

 

Feeling the weight of the pressure suddenly on her shoulders, she barely left her office, working on finding the answer. She was a bit angry though. _Would it be a big thing to tell her what she supposed to actually do?_ She wondered if the Commander knew about what she was working on. Realizing her own thought she scoffed in reply to herself, making 9E beep indignantly.

“Sorry.” She mumbled turning back to the hologram before her.

However she just stared, sinking back to her thoughts again. _The Commander... Most probably he doesn’t even remember you. Why are you even care? Stupid girl_.

She knew exactly it was completely madness but she just couldn’t forget his eyes looking into her own ones. There was something in there… something she had never seen before. Understanding? _Nonsense. Get yourself back from hyperspace Lana Novall._ The droid beeped again, this time not to scold her about something.

“How do you mean there is no matching method? You finished them all? There are nearly 2.465.284 ways of…”

9E repeated itself. _Task completed._ Lana frowned in disbelief. _If the droid is sure about the encrypting has no matching cracking pair that could mean only one thing._ Lana jumped on her feet in her excitement. _Oh Stars, of course._

The Resistance was clever enough to know the First Order had far more advanced technology, so they simply didn’t use any. _Brilliant._

“9E! They didn’t decoded the messages but the _phrasing itself…_ I need to speak to the General. _”_

Back in the history, it was a clear communication strategy to always change the phrasing to keep hidden the real meaning… But she never ever thought that would be the answer…Lost in her thoughts heading up to the commander office she barely realized when she got there. Before she could tell the troopers why she came, the door slipped open and she found herself standing before _him._ Kylo Ren stood with his back to her, but it seemed no problem to identify her in a second. _That’s why he opened the door?_

“It’s you, again.” said the distorted voice, and he turned his head to her direction, the black mask looking at her.

“Commander.” she greeted him properly, her voice sounding more comfortable than she felt herself. He did really stood before her, looking at her through his black incognito covering his face. She felt her heart pounding in her throat, but she needed a few seconds to realize she wasn’t afraid... but _excited._ Ignoring her feelings she took a breath and started.

“Forgive me Sir, I came to see the Gen…”

“I know why you came for.” he interrupted.

 _Oh, of course he knew._ She paused, unsure how to continue but she didn’t need to, he went on.

“The General needed to left the base, he won’t return until a few days, you can report me until Officer.”

“I understand Sir.” she replied immediately. “I finally managed to finish the Ilum System reports and I am sure there is a coded meaning of the messages but…”

“The Ilum System?” He interrupted again.

“Yes Sir. My former colleague in this positon narrowed down the suspicious location from Jedah to Mygeto area, so I scanned their reports back in a one year period. According to results I am sure we can narrow it more down to the Ilum Sytem.” Lana stated confidently holding the intense gaze coming from under the mask.

“I see. Anything else?”

“Yes. I find out that the coding couldn’t be cracked by the usual methods, because the texts are not encrypted.”

For that he turned around fully, even steeping closer to her. Others would instantly flinch for his every sudden reaction, _but not her,_ she just finished _._

“Only the phrasing is coded Sir.”

He didn’t reply for a while, so she just stood there waiting. She watched him pacing around in the room, wondering how his face looked like while thinking.

“Are you able to decode the text?” He asked then, pulling her thoughts back instantly.

“It could take some time, but yes I am.” She answered, and he merely nodded in approval.

“From now on, update me directly. You are dismissed.”

“Yes Sir.”

He watched as she left, sensing her absence immediately. Her presence was so intense, he felt it since the first moment he saw her, and for some reason he couldn’t get rid of the feeling since. First he thought it could have been the Force, but he found it soon enough it wasn’t because of it. It concentrated around her however, she didn’t sensed it, it was for sure.

No. The reason was something else, but he just couldn’t put a finger on it yet.

 


	3. III.

Not facing the reality was actually easier when she was awake. Her dreams were way worse. Usually that night happened again and again… but sometimes she just heard them. She didn't seen anything, she was just standing in the darkness listening to their screams. So she tried to sleep as less as she could, however being awake was also a challenge, working was the only real option she could deep dive in. So she did.

The task was clear, find the real meaning behind the words. For first read all the text were simple status reports, and well… for second and third times also. Spending nights in the office scanning through the files and reports with 9E, her only company was how she spent her days but it didn’t help her find the solution. She could finish locating the source of the text but now it would be extremely important to understand them, she just couldn’t do it. Lack of any clue how to go on with her task, Lana requested access to the Archive.

It was huge, almost bigger than the one back in the Academy, not that fancy though. Infinite long metal shelves filled with records dating back thousands of years; maps of the entire galaxy; scientific, mathematical and astronomical journals; engineering and technology documents; detailed the geography and cultures of various planets and species across the galaxy, as well as their zoology and botany. But the most exciting part was the records about the communication development of the galaxy, including its history, elaborating rare forgot methods and their specifications.

She wondered how big part of that many information belonged once to the famous Jedi Archive. During the rule of the Empire they digitalized the whole library so the knowledge became protected by the time, but she knew the original books still exists, and she would die to see them once.

 

She spent there already three entire day, since she couldn’t find anything useful. As easy it had seemed first, as complicated it proved itself then. The Resistance made their point not using any coding system, now it seemed impossible to figure out their real meanings. She wished the girls would be there and help her, Maiden would sure find something she yet failed to notice.

As she was walking back from the Archive to her quarter, a noise of crashing metal hit her suddenly, pulling her out of her thoughts. She kept going, feeling an urge to follow it, however her common sense told her not to. Two Stormtrooper rushed back from the direction, one of them seemed to hesitate to warn her to turn around, but then just followed the other one. As she walked forward the crushing sound got louder, then red sparks popped before her eyes, then she also hear the distinctive sound of laser. She stopped before an open room where the sparks and noise came from, it was a maintaining control room. As she stepped in, the smell of melted wires hit her nose, the panels of the wall fuming as the laser of the lightsaber melted it. Her eyes slowly shifted from the damages up to the reason of them. The Commander stood there, his back facing her, his shoulders raising up and down quickly, his saber in his hand, the buzzing sound filled the small space.

No one in the entire galaxy would came in by on his own will, _but her._

He immediately sensed her presence, as a wave of unexpected calmness suddenly surrounded him. _It couldn’t be anybody else._

“Forgive me Commander I …” with a light motion of his hand the door shut closed behind her. He needed to know how she would react, how far he could go to made her act like anyone else around him. Fear.

The attempt seemed affectless, she paused for a moment in realization he trapped her inside, but she didn’t let it bothering her any longer, and just going on.

 “And wanted to check if everything’s all right.”

“You’re not afraid.” he stated, his saber still in his hands, the red light vibrating around the small room. No, she wasn’t. But how she was not? Lana wasn’t sure if he was waiting for an answer, or it was rather a rhetorical statement.

“I.. Can I help?” She tried again, ignoring his words. He slowly turned around to see her standing before him in the entrance, her features reflected concern.

Concern about him, not about herself.

The whole situation was absurd. They faced each other now, his flaming gaze find her almond shaped eyes and he practically felt the fire going down.

“I’m fine. Leave.” he said finally, dropping his saber to the ground, breaking the eye contact.

She didn’t ask anything more, she nodded in reply then obeyed. As she left he realized his boiling anger turned into confusion and it scared him. _What was happening? Who, in this whole Galaxy would care about him and why?_ This blonde girl here, obviously. No matter he didn’t know the reason, but he felt it.

 

 

Decent sleep avoid him for a while now, and this new sensation didn’t help the case either. He closed his eyes and started to ignore every though just come to his mind until he was left alone with his feelings. First it was dark, cold and silence. He was so used to that, he needed a few minutes to realize there is something else. From the opposite side he felt the pull of something warm. He thought it was the Light, but this time it wasn’t. He turned his head away, looking forward. It was gloomy, but he saw a figure standing there in the middle. He sensed the calmness and he immediately knew, _it was her_.

She was already there, in the deepest part of his mind. He struggled, wanted to go closer desperately but he was afraid to move.

_What is happening to him?_

 


	4. IV.

“Its official now, I’m stuck. It’s been five days and we are getting nowhere 9E…” Lana sighed, sitting on the floor in her office surrounded by holocons and reports.

The droid didn’t answered.

“It can be worse, right? At least the General is away, we have a few days until he came back.”

Not receiving any answers from the droid this time either, she turned back to the reports. It could have been worse. At least she knew there must be something which gave an explanation and link those text together. She tried to remember how she had learnt it at the Academy when the usual ways seemed to fail. She tried every original decoding methods she knew so far, but all seemed a dead end. How the hell she would solve this?

A beep of her holopad interrupted her forming nerve breakdown, she grabbed the device and cry out in shock when she saw the screen. So it could had been worse...

A message flashed on the display making her blinking a few times in a hope it would just disappear.

1: 23 AM Commander Ren: I am lack of your recent update.

Holy shit.

He was right, she hadn’t sent him anything since their last meeting as he had asked her to do so. She had nothing she could actually came up with. She took a few deep breath before she decided to write back.

 

He was sitting on his bed still in his uniform, thinking. He had a really lot going on, he just couldn’t calm down his mind. At night when the base went a bit calmer, it always was worse. The emotions and thoughts of others didn’t distracted him from his own ones. He felt so lonely. He didn’t event realize when she floated in his mind, but she was there and he felt her presence, sensed her existence so vivid like she was just standing right before him. She was also awake. He felt the urge to contact her, that was when he sent that message. He felt stupid after. What did he want? What did he expected? He felt anger forming him, helpless and confused anger, when his holopad beeped with her reply. However he felt exactly she was awake, he was surprised by her quick answer. Why on earth she didn’t sleep in the middle of the night anyway?

 

1:32 AM Officer Novall: I do apologize Sir. I haven’t made any progress since.

As she held the holopad she realized her fingers were trembling. She stared at the screen for long minutes waiting for something to happen, but no answer came.

_Oh Stars, he must be furious._

Pushing her own nerves to edge, it was clear as the sky, sleeping was still an impossible idea. She didn’t dare to think about what would happen in the morning when she had to face the Commander and explain him that she, in the last three days, couldn’t make any new achievement.

“Look at me 9E… I’m sitting here in this huge military bunker in the middle of this goddamn snowy nowhere, having most of my conversations with an integrated mother board, and even my work is a piece of crap.” She sighed, then reached out for a file deciding to continue to work.

 

She was sitting on the floor before a holocon and in the middle of a mess of files. Her blonde locks out of the official bun, playing around her face as she lean forward to check a data again. She didn’t wore her uniform properly either, she was just in a black top, her blazer threw away in the corner of the room. She put down the report she just picked up, when she realized him standing in the doorway.

 

Well, that was unexpected.

Kylo Ren stood in the entrance of her office without his mask, towering above her. They didn’t met since he sent her away last time, and the fact grew her insecurity wider. Frozen by the surprise, she didn’t even managed to stand up. On the top, he had heard what she just said and she knew it. She opened her mouth to say something, probably some formal bullshit she was supposed to say, but he spoke first.

“Skip sleeping doesn’t help making progress Officer.”

“Forgive me Sir, I really try to…” – she started but he interrupted again in a surprisingly gentle tone.

“I see it. Being here in the middle of the night is a great proof for that. But now, go and have some rest.”

Was it an order? It didn’t sound like that.

“With all my respect Sir, I… I’d rather stay a bit and work on it.” She replied, hoping he wouldn’t mind her protest. He examined her face before his reply. She looked tired but her face reflected her determination.

“Show me then, what you already have.” He answered finally, and with that he kneeled next to her to the ground. As he did, she needed all her strenght to focus an her features not look at him like if a dead did came back to life. Then without any other comment he reached out and collected some reports to check them. She noticed he didn’t wear his gloves either, he had long, pale fingers, his hands looked surprisingly soft. Having a few blinks on her notes, he raised his look on her. It was deadly silence, even the droid made no move. She held his intense gaze, feeling her heart started to race like she just started to run for her life. He sat really close, she could feel the warmth of his body, the rough fabric of his clothes almost rubbed her knees. She hadn’t see his face since her first day. However she often tried to call up the picture, remembering the man under those scary layers, but her memory proved to be so poor compared to reality. It was just a brief moment like that, looking at each other in complete silence, but it was so intense, it seemed like an eternity. She cleared her throat and spoke.

“I stuck with the analyzation Sir.”

“Tell me how you proceeded” His voice low, lack of the official tone.

“I used content analyzation. I categorized the topics, and counted the verbs and adjectives, ordering them into subcategories. It helped me to see the layers of the text, but I still don’t know the meaning behind. And I don’t know how to go on…”

“Back to the layers, could you elaborate?” He slowly nodded.

“Yes.” She replied and started collecting the sheets around to explain him her findings. He listened to her carefully, her logic was right, she had really did well what she had done since.  
“… Then I tried to collect the words which could be the key ones, here is the list.” She pointed out to one of the sheet on the floor. He quickly checked it, humming.

“Clearly we are lack of something else.”

“Probably. The key word cover the whole meaning, the right one has a trigger. And that… could be practically anything.” She nodded.

“I see. I will check your work and get back to you. Until, you have some rest, and this time it’s an order.”

 

Lana just couldn’t decide what to think. She laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling. He had every single reason to be angry with her, yet he wasn’t. She not just knew, she saw that every other person on that base was terrified by him, she heard in the canteen how other officers talked about him or how they looked at him when he was around. Why didn’t she feel the same? What was wrong with her?  
She didn’t admitted even to herself, but deep inside she played with the idea that it was mutual. It was like if he acted differently with her. It sounded like complete nonsense.

_Lana Novall, you are out of your mind._

She didn’t realized when she had fall asleep, she must had been exhausted, because she woke up only after lunch time. As she had no work to do and just got practically a day off, Lana came to realize there was nothing she could or would do, so she just didn’t feel the urge to get out of the bed. She had a half sandwich on her counter, she ate it and fall back to sleep again. Dreamless night really avoid her for a while, but this time it was calm, the sweet nothing embraced her.  
It was dark again when she woke up. _Oh Stars, she just slept through a whole day._ She welcomed as an old friend, the feeling of completely relaxed. She got up this time, heading to the bathroom, having a shower. She opened the tap, squeezed her eyes and just let the hot water falling on her face. She felt almost completely reborn when she walked back to her room. She dropped the wet towel on her bed as she saw her holopad flashing. Wave of excitement washed her as she grabbed it and read the message.

12: 21 AM Commander Ren: My quarter.

She felt her stomach flip. _His what?_   She wasn’t even sure where it was located anyway. She checked the map of the base to make sure where she needed to go, then took on something to wear and stepped out of her room. She quickly reached the right wing, it wasn’t that far from hers by the way, when uncertainty reached her mind.

_Did she really come to Kylo Ren’s private quarter in the middle of the night?_

She wondered how many people could had been there before. And how could she even go in? She would need at least a code, walking in the Commander’s quarter couldn’t be just easy. Before panic completely washed her any other thoughts, she found herself before a completely ordinary room, not even a stormtrooper standing before it. _Not like he would need that to protect himself..._ She didn’t have time to stop, it just slid open immediately before her. She slowly stepped forward looking around, unsure of what she supposed to do. The room was almost like hers, only a bit bigger. There wasn’t around too many personal belongings, like he hadn’t spent at least half of his life on that base. There was a kitchen corner and a door most probably of the bedroom, and a larger space with a window, and a couch in the middle. He was sitting on it, his holopad in his hand, she also saw her reports next to him.

“Come in.”

As she heard his smooth voice, it made a shiver down her spine. She tried to ignore how walking in his most private sphere made her feel.

“Commander.” She greeted him properly, walking forward. Hearing her, he looked up, his deep drown eyes finding hers, capturing her gaze.

“What if the key word is not in the text?” He started as she sat down. She bit her lip while nodding. Yes it could happen… However it was quite a rare thing.

“Tell me, what do you see?” He asked, his eyes flickering as he went on. She shifted on her place, trying to ignore the tension she felt forming. _Was it just in her?_ She realized he didn’t wear his proper uniform, only his undergarment. He just looked so… humanly. She didn’t feel the distance that she felt with her other superiors, like with Hux for example. She could never _ever_ imagine a similar situation with the General, even the thought creeped the hell out of her.

_Maybe that was exactly how everyone else might had felt in this situation._

She leaned forward to see better the point his finger showed. There was some kind of sign on the corner of the report. How she could missed that?

“I see a round with an x in the middle of it.” She answered, then paused for a moment before went on. “It’s so simple. Actually a bit… too simple. Usually keys are complicated, sometimes with more than just one or two layers to make it harder to decode it easily. And it’s not placed on every one of them… however it makes sense, it’s not that obvious like this…”

  
It was so natural. He had never imagined before that he once let in anybody to his quarter. But she was there, sitting on the floor with her knees pulled in to her chest, examining the hologram right before her. Her arms crossed, her lips partly open, her head title to the side letting her blond locks playing around her face as she looked the sign, trying to solve its meaning. _She looked so perfect._ Like she meant to be there, close to him, on his side. He couldn’t just ignore his own feelings, no matter how hard he tried. And it was strange. It was strange how it actually wasn’t that at all. Suddenly he sensed her excitement, looking up seeing as she jumped to her feet, her eyes sparkling.

“What if… what if its not an x, but a mark! It marks something… in this area here.” Her finger pointed to the edge of the round.

She was right. It was a damn picture of a map.

It all made sense then, the puzzle pieces matched.


	5. V

_How could life turn upside down in such a short time?_

She was literally shocked as she stood in the commander office before the General, listening to his speech. His words were so absurd, she almost expected somebody would start laughing in any minute. But that moment just didn’t come.

She did her best trying to cover her feelings. Kylo was also there, a few step behind, his mask on.

“The Supreme Leader is pleased with the quick results. Now the task is to find out why is this map so important.” Hux spoke, his pale eyes blankly fixing hers. “Based on the details of your findings there is only one person who seemed to know what we need. Am I right Officer?”

She wasn’t sure if it was rather a theoretical question, but she replied. “Yes, the center of the messages leads to someone called Moy Rogers.”

“Indeed. We came to know that this man is apparently on Cantonica. One must go there and get the information needed. The task is highly sensitive, this man could never find out we know about his role. If the mission provided successfully, we would be one step ahead. Probably you heard about that a few weeks ago the Resistance managed to reveal the identity of almost all of The First Order’s agents, we couldn’t risk sending one of them.” Hux explained. Lana nodded, she did hear something…

“In that case, probably you would understand we need to send there someone who is out of the range.”  

She nodded again, feeling a lump forming in her throat. She started to have a really bad feeling about that, but even the idea seemed completely insane.

“Good.” Hux clasped his hand together. “Congratulations, the mission is yours, Officer.”

Lana blinked, pure disbelief reflecting in her eyes. She opened her mouth to say something but before she could come up with a reply Kylo stepped forward, speaking.

“Nonsense. We can’t assign such important mission to someone unqualified.” His rigid distorted voice made her uneasiness more vivid.

“Actually, I came to know that Ms. Novall had a past in the Agent Center. Or…” Hux paused for a moment turning from Kylo to her before going on. “…shall I call you FS762?”

 _She didn’t see that coming..._ Hearing her former identification number got her completely off guard. Of course they knew about that, but she never imagined it would come up in her life once more, and it still didn’t make any point choosing her.

She wasn’t the only one thinking the same.

“If I understood right she failed to finish it. What do we expect this time?” Kylo asked, his voice dangerously low.

“I am completely aware of the reasons behind and according to her report she won’t have any problem with this kind of task Ren.” Hux replied.

“I can go there and have what we need.” Kylo spat raising his voice, his fist clenched at his side. Hux stayed calm, not showing any sign of intimidation.

“It was the Supreme Leader’s clear request to keep this on a discreet level, and well…we all know that your methods are hardly like that.” He retorted. The tension between them made Lana shift uncomfortably. _She shouldn’t hear this._ After a few seconds which seemed like forever, the General turned back to her.

”You will get your briefing later on Officer, I hope you won’t prove my words wrong.”

“No, Sir.” She managed to answer and stormed out as quickly as she could.

She barely could breath, her heart pounded in her throat. When she finally reached her quarter she literally fall in, collapsing to the floor. She never expected, not even her wildest dreams that her issue with agency would come up. Behind all her shock she realized something even more bothered her.

_His words._

However he was right, his words hurt her. Hearing that he didn’t believe in her, talking about her like that… It was clear, all she imagined into their relationship existed only in her mind. Actually they had no relationship at all. He was her Commander, and he didn’t see her fit to the task assigned. And she couldn’t blame him. They must have had somebody more suitable for this.  

_Why her?_

 

 

Located in the Corporate Sector, Cantonica would be just another beige desert planet if not for the presence of the ultra-wealthy resort city of Canto Bight, which draws well-heeled tourists and high-rolling gamblers from across the galaxy. At the heart of the sat the Canto Casino and Racetrack. A fathier racetrack occupied the center of the complex, surrounded by game rooms, restaurants, cabarets and luxury hotels.

Sitting at the bar counter, Lana played with the edge of her glass. She eyed her reflection at the mirror behind for a while, trying to get used to her own lookalike. Her blond locks falling loose around her shoulders, red lipstick emphasized her full lips, a huge jewelry gleamed in her ears. Her tight black dress revealed her shoulders and a deep V shaped cut showed a part of the skin of her back. It was almost like a stranger looked back at her. She took a sip, looking around again.

As horrible things were happening in the Galaxy, war destroyed planets and millions of lives… these people just played, drunk and had fun like they lived in another world.

_Maybe they did._

There was only one business could make them so wealthy. War itself.

Her stomach flipped as she had another glance at herself. The voice of the bartender made her snapped out of her thoughts as he placed another drink before her. “Madame, it was sent for you from the gentleman right there.” Her eyes followed the direction to see a zabrak in a white tuxedo, his yellow eyes intensely holding hers. She quickly nodded and turned back. Uncertainty started to overwhelm her. She took a few deep breath then grabbed the glass and drunk all its content. She looked around again, noticing the horned species approaching. _Hell, not that._ She quickly slipped off her place and let the crowd cover her while she escaped out of the room.

_What’s taking so long?_

The droid she came with scouted the area to find their man, but it seemed like an eternity since it had been gone. She joined another group around the roulette table and pretend to follow up the game.

“Silly game huh?” a voice said, and she turned to see a tall, beautiful women with a huge necklace around her long neck. She smiled at her, pointing at the table.

“Yes, it is.” She replied returning her smile.

“Well don’t tell anyone but I’m not a fan of gambling.” She leaned closer with a small laugh.

“Aren’t you in the wrong place then?” Lana asked with a playful tone, raising an eyebrow at her.

“There’s not so many options to spent money like this!” The woman winked at her, taking a sip of her drink.

“True.” She agreed turning back to the game, forcing herself to keep smiling, but her sympathy vanished as quickly as it had come.

Finally her holopad beeped, a red point flashed on the screen. The droid find him. She followed the way, letting it led to her into another room, at least as huge as the one before. A chandelier hanging above in the middle, making light dancing around the walls as the small crystal details played with it. She stood next to the bar, ordering another drink. While waiting, she looked around quickly, soon finding what she was looking for. Moy Rogers was sitting a few meters away, wearing a similar tuxedo as the zabrak from earlier, he was probably around his mid-forties, his face perfectly shaved, a sharp jaw line made his features characteristic. He didn’t look like half a bad but that didn’t help at all, she had a strong negative feeling about him.

She had plenty scenarios in her head but one thing was clear, she needed to hide her interest. _This Roger guy needs to think he pulls the strings._ Her strategy laid on the fact that the whole place seemed to her like another world, and world with its own people. They knew each other, it was a complete society. The hours she already spent there proved her hypothesis right, from the moment she had stepped in she felt the looks on her. She was a stranger and it easily could make her look suspicious if she played her cards wrong. She built up her perfect identity and hoped she could use the man’s ego to her side. She had his background checked, she knew him well. Moy Rogers was wealthy, always having what he wanted to have. It was the base she built her plan on. She just needed to arouse his interest and trust her calculation would work.

 

She stood up with her glass in her hand, walking into the direction of Rogers. He was standing next to the roulette table talking with somebody in a larger group. She slowly approached his direction, her face slightly bored like she had nothing else to do just hanging around. As she got closer she suddenly stopped, making the man behind her accidently pushing her forward, just as she expected. She managed to fell into the right direction, while making sure she was spilling out the content of her glass to the floor. Roger reached out to hold her, his hand on the side of her bare shoulders.

 

Kylo felt his fist clenching at his side. He hated to let this happen. He usually hated when he couldn’t control the situation, but this… Sitting with Hux, staring at the screen, only to see what the droid there could record. The angle was too low, the droid was too far, and whenever somebody walked before it covered out the whole picture. _It was so fucking annoying._

At least they heard everything. She only thank him looking into his eyes for a second longer as the situation required, then left him there.

 “What the hell is she doing?! It was the right moment to talk to him!” Hux spat nervously. Kylo didn’t reply, he wasn’t sure either about her plan.

 

She ordered another drink and hoped her plan would work. If it failed, she had no second one. As she was waiting Hux’s words repeated in her head. “We provide anything needed to keep you safe, but we expect you to do everything in order to complete the mission.”

 _Everything._ _Hell that’s a lot._

Seconds passed awfully slowly. She just received her order and was about to pay it when somebody stepped next to her. _Oh thank for the Stars._

“My treat.” Roger said, having seat next to her. She slowly nodded with a light smirk accepting the drink, then turned back to her former position like she wasn’t interested in his company. She needed to play it cool.

“I haven’t seen you here before.” He added, clearly not really used to being ignored. Just as she expected. She took a sip then look at him again, still with a quite bored face.

“Probably because I don’t come here often.” She replied simply.

“And why is that?” He asked, his green eyes intensely searching in her brown ones.

“I find it quite boring.” She shrugged but didn’t wanted to go too far, so a few seconds later she added.

“Do you come here often?”

“I do.” He nodded.

“And why is that?” She asked back, allowing a playful smirk on her lips, trying to comfort his ego to lower her wall.

“I think this place is much more exciting than you think.”

“Is it?” She raised an eyebrow, making sure her voice sounds skeptical. The man didn’t reply right back, only to look into her eyes meaningfully while touch her thigh, slowly tracing her skin where the end of her dress relieved it.

“I can prove that to you.” He added. _He played his card damn straight._

She pretend to consider her answer before replying.

“You really think that it’s so easy to pick me up?”

“It depends.”

“On what?”

“On you. You can make it easy, or you can make it hard. But it in the end it doesn’t matter, I always have what I want.”

 _What a jerk._ She forced a laugh. “Okay, if you tell me your name at least, maybe I give you a chance to prove me wrong.”

“Call me Moy. And you are…?”

“Mona. But please spare me the beautiful name cliché. ”

 “Looks like you are one of your kind dear Mona.”

_Oh if you knew._

“Shall we go?” He asked, standing up. She nodded, following his lead out of the game halls.


	6. VI.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience <3

He couldn’t decide which was worse. Seeing what was happening or not. Not like he had a chance to choose. As they left the Casino the droid couldn’t follow them so Hux and him ended up with a blank screen, listening the voice recorder. That man was disgustingly confident, he seemed to not even consider that Lana wasn’t interested in him. He imagined how he would make him choke on his smug, irritating voice.

“Do you think it was the best way to solve this? Making a whore from a First Order Officer?” He asked, trying to release his frustration.

“I truly hope she could manage to finish before we get there, I am really not interested in listening this romance to happen.” Hux replied with a hint of irony in his voice. Kylo knew he obviously didn’t care how she would complete the mission until it was based on the requirements and in this case there was only one: keeping it undercover.

 

She knew what kind of situation she dragged herself into and she didn’t plan to go that far. It wasn’t exactly as she had planned to proceed. Not the way as she had imagined but she was there, inside his hotel suite, she just needed to wait for the right moment to get what she wanted. She didn’t need much, only something he used for to communicate, his commlink or his holopad then she just needed to transfer its memory to her own device. It would have been certainly easier if it wasn’t that awkward date situation. She didn’t know how long she could pull the time before it got obvious she _really_ wasn’t interested in his offer. So she let him talk making him feel interesting. Though he wasn’t that, at all.

One of the first thing an agent should know about the target was his motivation. In this case it wasn’t a hard ride to figure it out. It was clear, Rogers was surely not a keyperson in the story, it would require much more standpoint as he seemed to have. He didn’t bother about what was happening in the galaxy, he couldn’t be politically that committed to risk his lifestyle due to a greater cause. First she though it was only the surface, no one could be that shallow as he seemed, but more she let him speak, the more he proved it possible. She pretty soon got sure he only was a communication bridge, a role he got money for sure, the only thing he was committed to.

“…I can show it to you.” He said interrupting her thoughts, making her realize she had no idea what he was talking about in the last five minutes. She stood up following him, finding herself outside at the balcony. The view could had been amazing from there during daylight, she heard the sound of sea, as the waves hit the rocks in the distance. Rogers stood really close to her and it was quite clear his next step would be even closer. She didn’t see the way out of the situation and even the thought made her feel sick. She had only one plan to kick him out of the game while still keeping the illusion real for him. She ran out of the time, she needed to create a chance before this night turn into a complete disaster. His finger pointing up on the sky showing her something but she still didn’t pay attention.

“Wow stars… that’s the romantic part? So original.” She stated trying to keep up with her character.

“You are not the romantic type then?”

“I leave it to you to decide on that.” She replied. Rogers laughed and she felt him shift closer, or did she just imagined? She felt her body refusing the sensation, almost flinching away. _That was enough of that._

“I’ll give you another try after I came back. Don’t mess it up again.” She said with a playful smile forced on her face while walking in toward the bathroom.

 

He just wasn’t able to calm down. His helpless anger boiled inside of him and the forming realization of why he was so frustrated just made it worse. Only he needed to care about if she could get the information, no matter how she did it. _No._

“Excuse me General, but my time is much more precious than sitting here all night and waiting for a miracle to happen. I have no idea what do you expect from all this, but this plan was failed in the moment you came up with it.” Kylo said standing up.

“Then leave Commander, do your _really important things_ instead.” Hux replied not even looking at him. He exited crossed through the commander bay.

 

 

Making sure Rogers stayed outside, she sneaked in the bedroom, quickly finding what she was looking for, a device placed on the edge of the nightstand. _At least that part was easy._ Kneeling on the floor she took out her holopad and connected the two devices. There was a security wall protecting his root folders, so she had to run a few applications to crack it up. Minutes passed by and she still wasn’t in.

_Damn it Novall, don’t mess it up before the finish line._

She heard some noise from outside, she froze in her spot not even dare taking another breath before making sure Rogers didn’t come in. The program finally ran through, she was in. There was no time for anything else, she caught everything and started to transfer it through her computer directly to the First Order server.

_Eternity._

That was how she felt. It was like time refused to move forward as she was watching the percentages slowly grow.

37%

_No one using the bathroom so long._

42%

_Come on._

51%

_If Rogers came in, she couldn’t explain it out._

67%

_How could something be so slow?_

75%

_Almost there…_

_88%_

She heard some voice again, the balcony’s door opened. _Hell, not now._

97%

In the second the copying finished she ripped out the plug and got to her feet. Jumping out of his room she reached forward and pushed in the door of the bath pretending she just closed it in. She took a deep breath and walked back with the calmest face as she could manage. Rogers was really there, but he didn’t give any sign of noticing something unusual. Now that she had why she came for she didn’t planned to play along for much longer, but she just couldn’t simply left, she needed to keep the illusion she had created real.

She wanted to pick her glass up from the table where she had put it, but Rogers stopped her movement reaching out and touching her arm. She didn’t have enough time to react, before she could come up with something to avoid what was obviously coming, he stepped forward making her trapped between the wall and him. Still holding her arm he leaned forward, his lips almost touching hers.

_No, no, that’s no good._

She managed to stay still forcing herself to keep up with her character, trying to ignore how his hot breath on her made her feel. She felt her hand shaking, she needed to push her palm to the wall behind her to hide it. There was no way out, it was there, his lips on hers. She felt her heart desperately beating in her chest, her whole body protesting against what was happening. She couldn’t escape from that. It was part of the role, part of the mission.

 

Something buzzed. Once. Twice. Then it just didn’t stop. Rogers groaned leaving her there, picking up whatever was so important. Lana took a deep breath deciding to leave. Her shaking body was enough to make her realize she was unwilling to continue this.

_She completed the task, they had the files, she could leave now._

She moved to leave but she couldn’t even take a step Rogers already came back standing before her. He felt his hand slipping up on her back, his lips brushing her ears.

“Are you find it exciting yet?” – He asked while pushing her back to the cold wall.

“Answer me. This is how you planned it? You little First Order bitch.”

_Shit._

She already felt it, a blaster pushed into her side. She opened her mouth to say something when Moy suddenly dropped the blaster to the floor, both hands reaching to his throat, _he was choking._

Kylo stood in the doorway, his arms not even stretching out. She immediately moved to his direction, while Rogers collapsed to the floor behind her.


	7. VII.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a bit shorter than usual, but the next chapter is around the corner <3 Love y'all!

In that moment she reached his side the sensation of unreasonable tranquility arrived, and it never left. Yes, he was completely calm despite of the fact that he knew what he did. He intervened the mission, and he planned to do that before he had real reason to. He was technically lucky that someone alerted Rogers and he had a pretense to _kill that useless scum._ If he had arrived sooner he’d do the same, he knew he did. But why? He wasn’t sure about his own motivations… or he just wasn’t ready to face it.

Sitting next to him in the copilot seat she didn’t say a world since they got to the ship. He sensed her feelings quite clear. _Shame and confusion_. She was a clever girl. He knew she would figure out his arrival obviously couldn’t be a strategic move, he came completely alone, not to mention he was too close. After she had transferred the files to the Starkiller, and they realized someone alerted Rogers, even on lightspeed would be impossible to reach Cantonica in such a short time.

“You were lucky I was around.” He said breaking the silence.

Here it was, saying out loud, she failed. If it wasn’t him, _she’d be dead by now._ What did she supposed to say? Fixing her hands in her lap she sighed, her voice shaking.

“I do apologize Sir.”

He didn’t reply for a while, so she raised her gaze just a bit so she could watch his gloved hand switching off a few things on the panel. After finishing, he leaned back in his chair, then finally turn his unmasked face to her.

 “Don’t.” He said. She raised her look on him not sure how to respond, what he was referring to exactly.

“You don’t have to feel this way. You completed the task.” He added, his brown eyes holding hers.

“I don’t feel like I did.” She replied trying to keep up and hold his gaze.

“We received your transferred files, you got what you had to.”

“Yet I wasn’t able to finish the mission, he shouldn’t know why I really was there.”

“It wasn’t your fault. As your data hit our server someone was ready to alert Rogers we stole his folders.” He explained. She needed a few second to find the possible answer who would do such thing.

“The Resistance spy?”

“Probably.” He nodded. They remained silent again looking into the space for a few minutes. Hyperspace usually made her somehow calm, watching the stars and moons turning into one blue mess embracing around her, was just so comforting. But not this time. She felt shame. Not only because of the fact that she failed in the end and she needed to be saved, but also because she needed to use literally herself and it made her feeling cheap.

Kylo Ren saved her, and not only her life.

“Thank you.” She said suddenly, her voice low. She didn’t say it but he knew what she was referring to, he could sense the disgust she still felt. He didn’t know how to answer. Turning back his head to her he realized she was shaking. It wasn’t obvious if it was because of the recent events or her short dress, or both. He felt the urge to get up, bring her something warm and comfort her, but he knew he couldn’t do that. _He just couldn’t._  

 

 

Getting back on Starkiller the only thing she wanted was a hot shower and some rest, but instead of that she ended up in the commander bay, waiting. Still wearing the small black dress she felt hell of uncomfortable, she was cold and tired and in fact, nobody informed her what she was waiting for exactly. After a short time Hux joined her, but it turned out soon enough it still wasn’t the reason she needed to stay there. She wasn’t sure why, but oddly he didn’t take any mention of the unexpected end of her mission, or the fact that she actually came back on Kylo Ren’s personal ship. Something just wasn’t right, but she was too tired to deal with that in the moment. They were waiting for something or somebody, the General was nervous she could tell, he was walking up and down in the room. Hux didn’t say anything and she didn’t dare to ask, so a torturing silence hung between them. Finally the hiss of the door broke it as Kylo walked in. Hux directed his look to him, speaking.

“Did he decided on the next move?”

“I continue as it has been planned. You find the rebel scum.”

“Well then. You better find that map.”

“Leave that to me.” He answered in a cold tone. Hux nodded before waking out.

Lana still stood there not understanding her role in this whole scene, then Kylo turned to her.

“You were assigned to my side to continue on this mission.”

“Assigned by who?” The question just slipped out on her lips before she could stop them, but Kylo didn’t give any sign of minding it, he just simply replied.

“By Supreme Leader Snoke.” Not being able to manage to answer she just nodded as a sign of understanding, then Kylo went on. “I’ll be away for a few days from now. Prepare a report from the files of Rogers and report me every day with the status until my return.”

 

 

 _Calmness everywhere._ There she was, standing in the middle of the darkness, in the middle of his mind. He felt the urge again to get closer and this time he started walking towards her. As he got closer the details of her face got clearer, her soft features framed by her blond locks, her brown eyes finding his own ones, their gaze connected. He kept going, his look never leaving hers. When he was just a few steps away she moved, slowly raising her arm up, her fingers reaching out towards him.

He stopped. He wanted to keep going, reaching her side, touching her hand but suddenly a bad feeling hit him, like somebody _watched them_.

He opened his eyes sitting up, leaning his bare back to the cold wall behind him. These _dream visons or whatever they were_ started to get more and more confusing. Actually his own feelings confused him. He wasn’t sure why Snoke sent him to the Rens when they were so close to something big, but he had his reason for sure. But that wasn’t the only thing that bothered him. He didn’t ask nor even mention his action on Cantonica however Snoke surely knew his intention was nothing else but _protecting her._ Thinking, his eyes shifted to his mask on the nightstand. Intimidating, expressionless, cold, exactly how he should be like. Being separated because of his skills since his childhood, he got used to being lonely so he hadn’t event felt something missing before. But now he did. Seeing the same emptiness in somebody else’s heart made him realize about his own one. He didn’t feel intimidating, he didn’t feel cold. He felt a hot burning hole inside of him, it was like it could eat him alive. There was only one thing it seemed to ease that feeling, the same thing that created it, _her_.

 

Back to the normal and not being able to sleep, Lana sat in her bed with her holopad reading the raw report she had been working on earlier that day. There were a few line she could continue on, she just tried to summarize them before sending it to Kylo. Frowning in concentration while she was typing, she couldn’t stop her thoughts rambling. There was a tiny but really stubborn part of her mind which couldn’t get rid of the thought that Kylo came after her to Cantonica because he had expected her to fail on the mission. The chance of he was that close accidentally seemed quite low. She couldn’t blame him anyway, she easily could have failed. But that thought… just wasn’t acceptable. She wanted to prove him wrong, she felt the urge to show him how good she was at her job. Her real job. She glanced back at the screen, checking what she had been written since. It was logic, detailed but brief enough. She sent it. _All right Novall, you did what you could._ She tossed the holopad away, leaning back in the bed. _Time to sleep girl._

_Beep._

She sat up in such a hurry grabbing her device she almost fall out of the bed.

1: 43 AM Commander Ren: Still not a fan of sleeping?

She stared at the screen for a few seconds as the mix of confusion and excitement rushed her. It wasn't an official answer. _Nope._

Not even thinking through her answer, she just sent her reply.

1:44 AM Officer Novall: Still not really good at it.

1: 44 AM Commander Ren: You should try.

She typed her answer but paused before sending. _Oh, what the hell._

1:45 AM Officer Novall: Then you should too.

Reading her answer he felt his lips twitch, he almost smiled.

1: 45 AM Commander Ren: Yes, I probably also should.

1:46 AM Officer Novall: Let’s give it a try?

1: 46 AM Commander Ren: I’ll check your work on tomorrow.

Her heart pounding in her throat, it was an agreement she knew, she sent her last reply smiling.

1:46 AM Officer Novall: Good night Commander.

It was just easy. Talking with someone who can turn to him as to real person. He hadn’t met anyone so far who was able to do that, or had had the chance. And he wouldn't let it to anyone else.

 


	8. VIII.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the late update, I was really busy, I promise I'll be quicker with the next one - I have so much to tell <3  
> Let me know if you liked it!

She already spent 3 days with the analysis of the files of Rogers, but she felt like she only found bits and bobs but nothing significant. She didn’t find the map itself nor she could find out why was it so important, what was it about. As he required, she sent every new piece of information to Kylo directly in a brief sentence. Usually he just answered with a “Keep going.” or a “Go to sleep.” when it was too late, until she came up with a name she really didn’t think of can matter in this case.

“The map is also haunted by the General of the Resistance, Leia Organa.” Sending the latest update she tossed her device away and planned to have a shower when it started to buzz. She needed a few seconds to realize it wasn’t a new message, it was an incoming call. _Holy crap._ She tapped the screen receiving it, seeing the holocon of Kylo appear in the middle of her room. He wore his uniform but his mask, his face serious, his voice official.

“Are you sure?” He asked without any other comment making her confusion even bigger. Why this was so freaking interesting? _Did she miss something?_

“Yes, according to the route of the messages. It all goes to General Organa.”

“That’s it. The piece we needed.” _Was it?_ She was a few steps behind for sure.

“I’m not sure I know…”

“The map. We know now why it is so important.”

“Do we?” She wanted to ask, but she remain silent instead, waiting for him to continue.

“No need to look for more. I’ll be back soon, wait for me and I’ll explain.”  The holocon disappeared, left there alone again frowning in confusion.

_Was it possible anyway?_

To solve something and not even understand how? She obviously was lack of some pieces. She couldn’t do anything else only hoping Kylo would explain her everything after his return. The fact the head of the Resistance also was looking for the same thing didn’t seem to her quite an unexpected fact, so there should be something with the person itself. Lana knew a few thing about her of course, but none of them seemed to explain _well... anything._

He wanted to leave immediately, but he had to finish the session for the knights first. He wasn’t the man of patience and sensing her excitement didn’t help either. Yes. He sensed it quite clear, like she was just standing next to him, not in the other side of the Galaxy. He was so eager to her exist that even space didn’t matter. _She was with him, all day, all night._ But how? And why? Why was she special? And was it possible that she also felt something about their connection? Well he didn’t have time to deal with these questions, he finally knew why was that map so important and he needed it more than anything.

 

Well yes, “soon” is quite an indefinite time frame but she didn’t really expected that meant _right after she woke up._ Stepping out of her bedroom barely waking up and realizing that Kylo Ren was sitting at her kitchen corner something she just wasn’t prepare for. Her expression of nearly getting a heart attack was probably obvious. 

“Sorry for the interrupt, but we have to be quick.” He said.

“I see.” She nodded slowly adapting the circumstances then like the situation was the most common thing in the world, she walked behind the counter and started to prepare her coffee.

He was somehow curious how she would react, but handling his presence with complete naturalness did really surprised him. She wasn’t nervous or strained like every other people usually in his presence without showing up in their private sphere without any warning.

“And may I know why the rush for is?” She asked while filling up _two_ cup and placing one of them _before him_. Treating him like a guest was way out of his expectations. He needed a second to realize she was waiting for him to answer, her almond eyes fixing him. As she sat next to him, they were so close, he could see the black of her iris.

“What do you know about Organa?” He finally asked. He needed to know how much she knew.

“Well, before forming the Resistance she was the general in the Alliance, she fought against the Empire in the Galactic Civil War.”

“And?”

“She served as princess of Alderaan, also was a member of the Senate before.”

“Anything else?” He asked. “What could be someone’s motivation to devote her whole life for a war?” She remained silent for a while, sipping her coffee, thinking. She hadn’t see yet where he was leading her to. It was a good question, however. There must be a reason.

“Political radicalism?”

“People usually have their personal reasons.” He pointed out. She nodded agreeing with him but frowning in lack of guesses.

“I don’t know any of them…”

“What about her parents?”

“Bail Organa?”

“No. Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala” He answered.

_Holy crap._

She knew those names. So she was adopted... If she was the daughter of Anakin Skywalker… that meant she was the daughter of Darth Vader and… the sister of _Luke Skywalker. The last Jedi they say._ Who disappeared and no one knew where had been gone in years. She gasped in realization.

“She is looking for her brother. The map leads to Luke Skywalker.”

She was quick. He needed to be careful how many information he would give her if he didn’t want her to found out other details about Organa’s family.

 “Yes. We need to find him before the Resistance.”

“But… If Luke wanted to disappear, why would he leave a map?”

“Good point. Most probably he didn’t. But we know that he was looking for the First Jedi Temple. The map could show that place.”

“So if we find the temple, we find Skywalker.” She said, her eyes sparkling.

“Yes.” He nodded.

“What do we do?” She asked slipping off of the chair to her bare feet. Following the movement he just noticed that she was wearing a simple grey shirt with a matching short, her blond locks fell around her shoulders.

“First I give you time to get ready.” He said but before he could stand up and left he heard her voice from her bedroom.

“That’s okay, just 2 minutes.” As inappropriate as it was showing up in her quarter, she didn’t seem to mind. It started to get clear it wasn’t only for him so easy being together. Starting with chatting, their communication became less and less official and to be honest he liked it. He wasn’t sure where that all sensation leaded him, but for once in his life he just didn’t wish to keep it completely controlled.

“I apologize, probably it was rather 3.” She said walking toward him in her proper all black uniform, her hair in the official tight bun. Her gaze shifted to the untouched cup of coffee in the same spot she had placed it, then right back to his eyes.

“Maybe I should have stayed 4.” She commented while grabbing hers and placing it in the sink, he didn’t fail to notice that she was smiling. Having no idea how to react, he found himself obeying and drinking it. Standing up he put his cup in the sink next to her and spoke.

“I am sure the Empire also wanted to find the First Jedi Temple, we should start at the Archive.”

 

Back again the infinite labyrinth of metal shelves Lana felt the weight of something very important was around the corner. _They were really looking for the son of Dart Vader._ It didn’t required a long time search in the databank to find something. Kylo was right, the Empire already made a research about the First Jedi Temple, and the item was easily recoverable but their map was uncompleted.

“So we are not looking for the whole map, just the missing part” He said. Analyzing the huge blue projections above their heads, she was thinking. It was obvious why The First Order wanted to find Skywalker, and it seemed also reasonable that a sister was looking for her brother, but it was clearly couldn’t be the only reason.

“Can I ask something?” Kylo looked at her nodding, so she went on. “The reason why Organa wants to find him, is that she hopes he could end the war?”

“Exactly as you say, she _hope_ s that.”

“That would mean you have to fight with him.” She stated, it wasn’t a question anymore.

“That would mean I can kill him.”

“And they would lose hope.”

“I am not sure they are able to that. That make them so foolish, that is their greatest weakness. They believe in things that will never happen.” His voice was serious with full of emotions.

 _People usually have their personal reasons, he had just said that._ She started to wonder, what could be his?

 

This time he was waiting for it. _Her._ She was there, her hand reaching toward him, the same spot she stood last night like he didn’t even wake up. He had an idea.

“Why are you here?” He asked. He could hear his voice, so it worked. She didn’t reply immediately, her gaze shifted from his eyes to her hand.

“It’s your mind. You want me here.” _Stars, she sounded real._ It was true, he wanted her to be there. Following her eyes he also looked at her hand, feeling the urge to touch it, he raised up his own one.

“And will you stay if I want it to?” He asked her as his fingertips slowly reached hers. He did really felt it, her warm touch against his palm.

“Yes.” She answered while her fingers slid between his, lacing their hands together.

 

She was sitting at her office looking at her hands. Hours went by since she woke up, still she could feel it. _She just had the weirdest dream ever._ She shook her head. Nope, she just didn’t have time for that, she had things to do. She looked back at the screen trying to continue her research. If the map leaded to the First Jedi Temple, and Skywalker was there, he had needed to find that place somehow. She came to knew that after the imperial forces surrendered in the Battle of Jakku, Skywalker began a lengthy quest to recover as much lost Jedi knowledge as possible, probably that was when he found out where it was located. Based on that logic she was trying to collect a list about everybody who could help him in his research back then. She found an interesting story about Skywalker was looking for the Emperor's Observatory on Pillio, and she found a name she could use as a hint.

“9E send the results to the Commander.”

“There’s no need, I am here.”

She turned her head to see him standing in the doorway, feeling her stomach flip in her excitement. Realizing her own reaction to his presence she scolded herself. _No wonder you have stupid dreams like that._ It didn’t seem to worth paying too much attention to her feelings, she knew it made no sense at all. Didn’t ask anything Kylo sat next to her, reading her report. While she was waiting for him to finish, her gaze shifted to his gloved hands, immediately pulling her dream back to her head. No wonder she couldn’t make it as an agent, she was total lack of being able to focus.

“Del Meeko…” His voice immediately pulled her thoughts back to the reality. “We can find him easily.”

“Who is him?”

“He is a traitor scum. He was the capital world of the Galactic Empire during the Imperial Era, then he became an agent of Inferno Squad. The Emperor's death in 4 ABY resulted in the activation of Operation: Cinder. Unwilling to participate, Meeko rebelled against the military.”

“And where is he?”

“Captured by the Jinata Security.We are going to Pillio.”

 


	9. IX.

She would have never even played with the thought that once she would go for a mission with Kylo Ren himself. But she would have never imagined a lot of other thing either, yet they happened. She was standing in the main hangar, next to a squad of Stormtrooper waiting for Kylo to arrive, examining the elegant ship of his. She was always amazed by spaceships, and the upsilon-class commander shuttle with its tall wings and shiny black surface, was just simply incredible. Despite of its beauty it was well armored with twin heavy laser cannons and it also had advanced sensor suites so was able to monitor and scan enemy communications to effectively avoid hostile encounters.

To the voice of his heavy steps the troopers suddenly remained silent.

“Prepare for takeoff.” He commanded so the squad made its way to the crew cabin. Lana also started to move but the distorted voice stopped her.

“You come with me.” She obeyed turning around and following him. Realizing she would sit in the cockpit she felt her stomach flip in excitement. She sat down in the second row, fastening the seatbelt but as Kylo followed her he motioned to the copilot seat.

“You can use the other one, no one else’s coming.” Not even an assistant droid? She changed the seat in a silent shock by the fact that he didn’t even need a copilot. She could be that in fact, everyone had to learn how to drive on the Academy, it was part of the training regardless of the specification. As he sat down next to her, she heard the hissing sound of his mask and then saw him placing it next to him, then he turned to the panels, preparing for taking off. There was a rumbling noise as the shuttle left the atmosphere then the darkness of the galaxy surrounded around them.

She watched him finalizing the settings for hyperspace in complete silence, she had no idea what possibly she could say. Sitting with a high rank officer was usually awkward, uncomfortable. Sitting with someone who could actually kill her before she had the chance to realize it, should have made her feel fear. But she didn’t feel any of it, and she knew it wasn’t the way it should be. There was too many things she couldn’t understand and after a point it just didn’t seem to worth to torture herself with them. _Did he really treated her special or she just imagined? Why was he so close to Cantonica on that night? Why Snoke assigned her next to him? Could those things have some connection? Why did she felt so attracted by her commander? Would she completely loose her mind?_ She wanted to shake her head to clear her it up.

“You are distracted. Is something wrong?” She heard his deep voice, easy, unofficial, _curious?_ Surprised by the question she turned to him, seeing his brown eyes searching in her own ones.

“Nothing is wrong Sir.” She managed to answer, unsure of how she should react.

“I feel it.” He merely replied, like it should have been enough reason for her to elaborate. She hesitated letting her eyes shift from him to the blue mess of stars outside. She felt his look on her, was he really care?

“I don’t know if I wanted to feel other’s feelings.” She finally replied.

“And why is that?” Kylo asked leaning forward, his elbows bent on his knees, looking up at her from there. She frown considering her reasons, answering after a few seconds.

“Sometimes our own ones more than enough.” She wasn’t sure if she could allow herself saying that to him, but she just wanted to. He did asked after all.

“Well, I don’t have any choice in that case.” He replied.

“It must be hard.” She answered after a few seconds of pause, her sympathetic look fixing him.

 _Yes, it was._ Yet no one ever said anything like that to him before. No one ever seemed to understand the weight of his power. It was comforting, but also scary. That meant someone could see weakness in him. _Did he want that? Could he allow that?_ It made him feel insecure, and he hated that… yet there was something calming in it: the presence of somebody, the fact he was not completely alone.

“You haven’t answered my question.” He pointed out changing the way of the conversation.

“I’m just nervous about the mission, that’s all.”

“What you did on Cantonica was much more serious misson than it is now, not to mention that you had been trained on the agent academy, your skills can bare a lot more for sure.”

“There was a reason I didn’t end up as an agent after all.” She mumbled more to herself than to him.

“Yes, there was.”

She raised her look up on him in surprise by the answer, it sounded like he knew the reason. Not that he couldn’t find it easily if he wanted to, but did he want to? As his look was searching in her eyes she practically felt herself transparent, like he could just see through her, and the fact that he could sensing her emotions didn’t make it better.

“Let the past die. Focus on what’s ahead of you.” He added after a short pause. She nodded but before she could come up with an actual answer the autopilot started to slow down their speed, and he needed to take back the control.

Placing in the edge of the Jinata system Pillio was a remote and uncolonized aquatic planet, mostly covered by sea. Kylo easily managed to land between the sharp rocks. Before leaving the cockpit he put his mask back on, hiding all his expression behind it.Following him walking down the ramp, with the troopers behind them, she saw a smaller group with an aqualish women in the middle.

”Hello, we have been expecting you.” The four eyed creature welcomed him. Kylo didn’t bothered with returning the greetings.

“Show me to the prisoner.” He merely said.

“Of course. This way please.” She answered leading them to the shuttle, walking up to its commander bridge. It was empty except for a man kneeling on the floor in the middle. Del Meeko must have had some rough days, when he realized them approaching he couldn’t barely manage to raise up, he did tried however. As Kylo towered above him, he seemed so small compared to his tall and massive frame.

“You know if you wanted to hire my ship, you could have just asked.” He said, but Kylo simply ignore his words, saying.

“The map to Skywalker. You know how I can find it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Meeko replied looking up at him.

“Show me where the old man took it.” He demanded, raising his arm up. Starting to struggle instantly, the man started to whimper trying to resist his power. There was no point to it, he invaded his mind easily making him scream in his pain. That was the moment when she first faced the fact how gentle he was with her back then.

“Get out of my head!” Meeko shouted, gasping for air.

“Tell me where Lor San Tekka took the map.”

Who? She didn’t know that name. He was steps before her again. Meeko panted, trying to resist desperately his whimpers got louder with every second.

“Bayora… he took it to Bayora.” He finally screamed out, collapsing to the floor as Kylo released him from the grip of the Force.

“I have what I came for. He’s your now. Clean this up.” He addressed to the Aqualish, turning on his heels heading out.

He was quick and effective. It was scary but fascinating, his power. She followed him back to the cockpit, as she stepped in behind him, he waved the door close behind her. He didn’t want to lose time, she got that. Trying to keep up with his pace she turned to him instantly, asking.

“Do you want me to check up on Bayora, Sir?”

“No need. But I want confirmation about San Tekka.” He answered while she heard the hiss of the trigger of his mask as he removed it. He took it off when only she was around. _Was it possible like that?_

She nodded sitting down, starting the research immediately. She felt the shuttle rising up from the ground, her device slightly shaking in her lap. They left the atmosphere of Pillo, without new destination yet staying on the orbit of the planet. Then Kylo stood up walking behind her seat, leaning forward looking up at her screen.

Lor San Tekka wasn’t a man hard to find. As a member of the Church of the Force, he was living on a spiritual village called Tuanul on Jakku. The community eschewed modern technology, instead created their own in order to bring themselves more in touch with nature, the chance that if someone knew about that Temple was them, seemed quite high. Kylo must have known about them, he knew about San Tekka also. It was clear that he didn’t share every detail he had with her but she knew she had to deal with those circumstances. Something she struggled more to deal with was Kylo standing behind her, she felt him being so close if she turned her head to the left, their faces were merely an inch from each other. She tried to ignore the goose bumps followed by the shiver the sensation caused, focusing on the information in front of her.

“So we are not going to Bayora?”

“No. We are going to visit the old man.”

 _Oh._ She got it. He had knew he would need only San Tekka since the mention of the Temple, coming to Pillio was only a strategic move to distract the Resistance. _Damn he was genius._

 

 

It took for a while to reach the Inner Rim from Pillio, they didn’t travel with full light speed during the whole trip so she could admire the view. Her being around close to him made him calm, however he had every reason not to be. She was sitting in her seat next to him, knees pulled to her chest, head titled to her shoulder staring out to the space. Passin through the Abrion sector, as a huge blue planet came to the picture he sensed her emotions suddenly changing. Her former home _Scarif._

“Do you miss it?” She heard his voice. Redirecting her look to him she met his deep, curios eyes.

“I miss the colors.” She answered, then shifting her gaze back to the planet she continued. “The green of the palm trees, the azure of the ocean, the golden rays of the sun…”

“And them?”

“I miss them.” A sad smile played on her lips. “But nothing can bring them back, I know that. Basically I miss the feeling of not being alone. We worked together and it made… sense to everything. I don’t know… I know it may sound silly.”

“No.” He said holding her gaze as she turned her look back to him. “I understand.”

Suddenly a bad feeling hit her. Did she just really complain about feeling lonely to him? She wasn’t stupid she knew exactly what it meant to be a high rank officer, and his special power surely had made his separation even stronger. The troopers, the officers all had the chance to socialize after their shifts. They could take off their uniform, got together and forget their roles and responsibilities even if it only meant to playing jedaric in the back of a quarter. But they had that chance. He surely didn’t. Taking off his mask couldn’t free him from his role. He didn’t have the chance for it.

“I’m sorry. It didn’t mean I don’t appreciate the chance I have. I really do.” She added. Kylo looked at her for a few seconds longer but he didn’t answer. He got that.

 


	10. X.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What could be a better Easter surprise for you than a new chapter? ❤ Hope you'll enjoy.

Finally they reached the Jakku system with the planet named after it. During their travel six other squad ships joined them, it looked like they prepared for a quick invasion of the village of Force fanatics. The upsilon shuttle landed as the last one, when Kylo left the cockpit the troopers already secured the field. The village was already on fire, smoke and dust surrounded them, making the air heavy. The smell of blood hit her nose as the screams of the completely unarmed inhabitants filled her ears. Only a few villagers tried to resist but the overpower was obvious, in case of an invasion the First Order was quick and unquestionable.

After the bay door opened Kylo stepped out making his way directly to man she identified as Lor San Tekka, who was standing in the middle of the frightened crowd, guarded by a squad.  Following his lead walking down the ramp she look around and didn’t fail to notice the silver armor of Captain Phasma, which confirmed her theory that the invasion part of the mission had been planned before their trip to Pillio.

Reaching the elderly man, Kylo examined him from head to toe before talking.

“Look how old you’ve become.” His voice eager as if he had waited for the moment a long ago.

“Something far worse has happened to you.” The man answered, his sound opposite of Kylo’s, calm, lack of any concern.

Lana quickly noted they had been known each other from earlier. Interesting. Another thing she had no idea about and he didn’t bother involving her. She wondered how many things could be like that.

Kylo didn’t give any reaction to San Tekka’s comment, it seemed it had no effect on him, he merely continued.

“You know what I’ve come for.”

“I know where you’ve come from, before you called yourself Kylo Ren.”

That time it hit. Clenching his hands, a growl came under the metal mask.

 _Before._ She never thought about that yet, who he was before? Who he could be?

His reaction made it obvious Kylo didn’t want to continue the conversation, impatience rising in his voice.

“The map to Skywalker. We know you found it. And now you’ll give it to the First Order.”

“The First Order rose from the dark side. You did not.” San Tekka said, still insisting to the topic of Kylo’s past.

“Do not turn a simple transaction into a tragedy for these people. Hasn’t your presence here done enough for them already?”

“I made my peace with these folk and this place long ago. As to the other, to turn away from your heritage is the true tragedy.”

 _His heritage?_ The conservation started to get more and more interesting, it didn’t go the way she had been expected.

“Enough.” Kylo leaned forward, the modulator cracking under his dangerously deep voice. “You may try, but you cannot deny the truth that is your family.” Tekka responded quietly, resignation reflecting in his eyes.

“You’re so right.”

It all happened so fast. The saber came to life and the red laser stroke down., then even before anyone else could realizing the threat, Kylo already perceived it reacting immediately. By the time the sound of a shot reached her, he stood raising his hand toward to the figure in the distance who had just fired at him, making him and his shot completely frozen. His unseen power was breathtaking, if she didn’t see it with her own eyes she hardly could imagine it. Despite of him turning away, the glowing blue laser shot was still hanging in the midair, while two stormtrooper dragged the paralyzed man from behind in front of him. Not being able to move the man looked up at him, starting to speak, probably trying all his best to sound light.

“Who talk first? Do you talk first? Do I talk first?”

By his clothes he must be a resistance pilot. _Quite a bold one_ \- she thought. Ignoring his question Kylo looked at him for a few seconds before speaking.

“The old man gave it to you.” It wasn’t a question.

“It’s very hard to understand you with his thing on…”

“Search him.” Kylo ordered. The examination did not take long, he was clean.

“Nothing Sir.” One trooper confirmed. The pilot winked up at the trooper when he finished. She didn’t even realized as she started to analyze his personality. Interesting way of hiding his fear, using the image of the coolness, like it didn’t mattered.

 “Put him on board.” Kylo commanded then turned to Lana’s direction as they dragged the pilot to the shuttle.

“I have a task for you.” He addressed to her so she moved instantly, stepping closer.

“Yes Sir.”

“He knows what we need. Find it out.” She had learned how to control her face but the pure shock surely reflected in her eyes. Why waste time for that when nothing could be more effective than his questioning method? She not just saw with her own eyes but she experienced how easily he could invaded into someone’s mind, why he just couldn’t do that? She needed to literally bite her tongue not to let a question slipping out on her lips, then she managed to nod. It was a clear order, she couldn’t question it no matter what. It proved her previous theory that Kylo knew exactly where she failed during her agent training. One part was: interrogation. He challenged her, it was clear. But why? Why he would risk such an important mission when he could easily get that valuable information they had been seeking for? It just didn’t make any sense. He was extremely clever, his strategy always on point, steps ahead everybody else. There must be a reason he asked her to do that. There just must be.

She had failed on interrogation many times. She hated to make others suffering so she had no chance but trying her own way. Thinking through what he could expected in his situation, her plan was to do exactly the opposite. First, except of visiting him as soon as they could do it, she requested an hour to leave him alone. For her biggest surprise, Kylo easily approved it.

 

Finally when she stepped in she saw the pilot turning to her direction, his face reflecting surprise. That was good. She quickly redirected her look from him, like she was quite embarrassed by the fact that he was there. Not saying a word she walked to the other side of the room, directing all her pretended attention on the display. She heard him shifting in his place, trying to position himself as comfortable as he could manage. Building up her frightened image, she started to bite the end of the nail on her thumb, while waiting for the computer to boot in.

 “I expected a bit bigger interest in me.” He finally said, with a hint of humor in his voice. She felt his look on her, he tried to analyze her, figuring out her possible intentions. Reacting to his words, she stopped typing like she hoped it helped her to be invisible.

“So, aren’t you going to torture me, seeking for answers?” He tried again. Keeping up with her pretended task to do, she ignored his words. He didn’t give up. Just as she expected, he was confused by the situation. He supposed to be in the middle of the attention. She wanted him to figure out on his own, it wasn’t a good sign if they ignored him. If they didn’t needed the information he had could mean only one thing… _that they already had it._

 “Then why am I here? If you like me you could have just asked me out.” For that she turned around to see him winking at her. He tried to cover his insecurity with humor, she had noted that earlier. He needed information desperately and in that situation she was his only hope, the girl trying to ignore him.

“Too handsome? Prefer buckle heads?” He continued in a playful tone. She needed to force herself not to laugh. The guy was just one of a kind. She never experienced similar behavior in captured situation.

“Then what should we do now? You and I, here together only two of us?” He kept asking her trying to get her attention. She sighed nervously glancing at him for a moment.

“Okay I get it, you don’t like me. But that doesn’t mean we cannot talk. This place is so depressing. Aren’t you depressed? These metal panels everywhere… And these masks on everybody, aren’t you tired of not seeing faces? It hard to image that there are actual people underneath. Man it so hard to understand them with those thing on…”

His tactic was clear. He tried to distract her hoping for she would tell him something. He needed to know how much information they already have or something he could position his status or near future.

 “How did you get here? Tell me about your childhood… You seem a nice girl, how did you end up with these guys?”

“Look. I am not supposed to talk to you, don’t do this okay? I don’t know what will happen to you now.” She suddenly blurted out, making sure she sounded nervous.

“How do you mean “now”?” He asked back almost immediately. She just saw the slightest sign of panic in his eyes. He tried to hide it but once she had been trained to notice it.

“Now they know everything about…” She suddenly stopped, pretending she realized already telling too much. After that as clumsy as she could manage she started to protest like she tried cover up her slip of the tongue. “I mean not everything of course…”

“No. So they found him…” His mumble interrupted her. It seemed like her performance turned out perfectly. He didn’t entertain the idea she was lying.

“They will come and…” She tried again, but the more she tried to prove it contrariwise, the more he panicked. “No, no, no… BB8…” He merely whispered but she heard it. A logic choice to hide something: a droid. She had it. A huge relief hit her, she just realized she was barely breathing.

“Okay look, I better go…” She added to her role before she planned to finish the scene and leave him there. She had the hint she needed, she didn’t plan to go further. She just wanted to left the display and walking out when someone stepped in, _clapping_. She turned to see Hux’s tall frame slowly walking in.

“Bravo. Excellent behavior analyzing, exact calculations and the acting skills? Playing the naïve girl? Who would have though you are such a remarkable talent Officer? I must tell, your interrogation skills are quite one of a kind… but we have what we need.” Suddenly his voice dropped, finishing the sentence on a deep, threating tone. “So we’re looking for a droid.” He stepped next to her and she felt his palm resting on her shoulder. The look of the pilot changed as he realized what just happened, the panic vanished and complete emptiness took its place.

“I guess I underestimated you.” He merely said addressing her, his voice blank.

“Nice face huh?” Hux asked while his gloved fingers sneaked up on her neck. The seconds passed awfully slow, it was like his fingers never would left her skin. She sat still, concentrating on her features stay completely relaxed. She felt like she was choking, like the air refused to stay in her lungs.

“I understand it is hard to imagine that it has more underneath the pretty surface.” Growing the tension he created, he leaned forward while his index finger slipping under her jaw line, his thumb pressing against her cheek. Holding her face he looked at her with a wondering, analyzing look. She tried to control her face, not showing any sign of her true emotions. Enjoying he could demonstrate his power, that not just him but even her had no the chance to protest against him, the slightest amusement flickered in his eyes. Considering everyone on the base, every supervisor she ever had, Hux was the one who creeped the hell out of her. Not because his cold personality or because his cruel decisions, but because of that lunatic enjoyment she saw in his eyes sometimes. After a minute she felt like eternity he turned his pale look from her to the pilot.  

 “Learn that resistance scum, never let yourself distract by appearances.” He finally finished pulling his hands back, lacing his fingers in front of himself.

“Good work Officer. You can leave now.” He added and she didn’t need more to get to her feet instantly and leave the room as quick as she could managed. Stepping out of the room she almost panted, her heart racing like just ran around a whole planet. Kylo stood before her his masked face still in the direction of the control screen where he could see and hear everything that happened inside. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking, he didn’t say a world until a few second later Hux also left the prisoner.

“Find the droid General.” He merely commented, his voice sounded even colder than usual.

“If it’s on Jakku we’ll soon have it.” Hux said returning his freezing tone.

“I leave that to you.” Kylo replied then not giving any chance to him to continue the conversation he turned to her direction. “Officer, come with me.”

Following him was quite a challenge, he was much taller and his pace was much quicker than hers but she managed to keep up. Crossing through almost the whole base she just realized where they headed to when they actually arrived. At that point it wasn’t obvious anymore why her heart beat in her chests like it wanted to jump out. Not bothering with pressing his thumb to the panel to open the door, he just waved and it slid wide before them. Without any new instruction he walked in so she followed, stepping in his quarter behind him. Not sure what she should do, she stood at the entrance watching him taking off his mask and placing it on the table in front of the couch.

He needed to use all knowledge from the trainings he ever received not to kill Hux in that exact moment when he stepped out from the room with that arrogant face of his. If it wasn’t her calming presence, he wasn’t sure he could just ignore what happened. It wasn’t the right moment to entertain himself with the thought of killing Hux but that scene he just created made him desperately demanding his death. Their hatred for each other was always obvious but with that he just crossed a line he wasn’t able to tolerate anymore. It was unacceptable to insult an officer like that. _Oh, whom he want to fool._ How he should have even dare to think of touching her… _Her._ He turned around to see the girl from his dreams (or visons? He still couldn’t decide.) standing next to the doorway. She was tensed and upset but the reason wasn’t obvious.

“Are you all right?” He asked, his eyes never left her, trying to examine her features. She surprised by the question, obviously it wasn’t something a superior ask from his officer but she just wasn’t sure she could let herself answer without any formalities.

“Yes Sir, I…”

“None of that now.” He interrupted as the title left her lips. She stopped, her almond eyes reflecting her thoughts. She was completely aware of the weight of his comment. It was the first outspoken sign of their relationship was _different._ The first real prove it didn’t only existed in her head. She allowed herself a moment before continuing, she wasn’t sure what she could say.

“Yes, I am fine, I just…”

“Tell me.” He said trying to encourage her. He wanted to know what she was thinking about, wishing if she opened for him willingly.

“I just…  I don’t really understand.” She started, nervously shifting in her place. “You could have get the information more easily… I could have failed and…”

“But you didn’t.” He interrupted, his brown eyes intensely searching in hers.  “I wanted to show you that you are capable more than you think of yourself. Don’t let the past mark you. You could have become an excellent agent if you wanted to. It was your choice.”

“I failed on the program.” She shook her head, crossing her arms in front of herself like it could protect herself from the pain of the past.

“Technically. But you just proved again that you can easily execute a task if you want to do it.” He replied, his eyes never leaving hers. “Have you ever think about the reason you’ve failed?”

“Unstable attitude in…”

“I’m not asking their reasons, but yours.”

She remain silent, slowly walking toward the couch sitting down, her look shifting in her lap. She was always too busy shaming her biggest fail in her life that she never found a moment to think about the reason. Her reason? Becoming a certified First Order agent was a higher title than being a standard officer, they were high skilled members of the organization. No wonder, the training was tough sometimes cruel, things an agent should be anyway. They needed to do _everything_ a mission required, so sooner or later they all lost themselves. They were professional, respected but lonely. Their way of life required them to be alone. She always knew she wouldn’t be able to do that. She looked back at him, met with his warm, calming eyes. She never saw them like that before.

“I was afraid… of become _empty_.”

She dared to fail. She made a choice and he respected that. It was something he never had the chance of doing so he ended up exactly like as she just said: feeling totally empty. The scarier thing was he hadn’t even realized that until he met her, and that warm glowing vibe of her filled up the hole inside of him.

“You made a choice. Even if it wasn’t conscious, it’s nothing you should be ashamed of.” He said. Holding his look, she slowly nodded. Perhaps he was right, but she needed time to think that new perspective he just gave her through. She had so many questions to ask, so much she wanted to know but she knew it wasn’t the right time for those things. They had a mission the finish.

“If the map is really in that droid and we find it, what’s next?”

 “I’ll talk with the Supreme Leader, see how he decides.”


	11. XI.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know its not that long but keep up with me, I promise you it's worth it! #fluffiscomingsoon #andsomeunexpectedthings

Heading back to the Starkiller but yet on the board of the Finalizer, Lana was sitting in front of a screen, in a quite small but standard office. And standard meant almost empty. Snoke’s flagship was a huge Resurgent-class Battlecruiser, the biggest in the fleet, huge enough that the Stormtrooper training academy also took place there. She used to the fact that military interior style was as all about function but the cruiser was so rigid, it was hard to imagine people actually spent their life there. She sighed trying to clear her head up.

“ _You cannot deny the truth that is your family…”_

The last thing she needed in that moment was writing the report about the interrogation. The First Order kept their processes precisely documented, in order to make everything transparent and searchable no member could even take breath without officially reporting it.

“ _The First Order rose from the dark side. You did not.”_

A lot happened in that day her mind was a mess, too many thoughts and questions trying to gain her attention, but first of all the words of San Tekka dominated.

“ _I know where you’ve come from, before you called yourself Kylo Ren…”_

 _“_ Damn it, focus Novall.” She mumbled to herself, while loosening her bun then pushing her fingers to her temple. She was desperately tired and her throbbing headache didn’t help either to finish the task. She just realized she knew hardly nothing about Kylo Ren. What was even more interesting than the words themselves was the reaction of his. That man basically must have died because saying those things to him. But why? _Who is really him? Who is him without his title?_ _What could possibly be under his mask?_ She didn’t think of it literally, she knew his face too well. Another thing her mind couldn’t get rid of.

Since she left Scarif, she was alone. She lost her colleagues, her friends and everything she knew as her life before. Starkiller was cold. The pilot was right. There were no faces, no emotions, everybody kept their distance, it was like there was no actual people behind the uniforms. On the surface Kylo was on the top of it. Everybody on that base feared him. They didn’t even dare to look at him when he was around. How was it possible that she felt him the closest thing so far? A man whom she knew basically nothing about, since the only one who showed the slightest sign of interest in her. Or at least the fact that someone acknowledges her existence. Technically she had most of her contacts with him, if 9E didn’t count of course. Yet, she didn’t know nothing about him. _He must had been born somewhere, growing up with parents, having a childhood… What could be his real name?_ _No_. She shouldn’t have think about such things. She shouldn’t be interested in them. She shouldn’t be interested _in him._

Betraying her own recent thoughts her heart literally skipped a beat as her holopad silently buzzed next to her. She didn’t even need to check the notification, she knew who sent it.

5: 23 PM Commander Ren: Observation Portal

The message didn’t elaborated but she assumed it meant he required her to meet him there as soon as possible. Since she wasn’t familiar with the layout of the battlecruiser, she needed to have a look on its map to find the easiest way to get there. Fortunately it wasn’t far. Stepping inside the large room the first thing she realized was the huge glass window at the back of it, she felt like it allowed her to see the whole Galaxy from there. The second thing she realized was the two men just right before it, Kylo’s arm stretched out, technically holding someone in the air. Quickly adapting the circumstances, as the smell of the melted wires hit her nose, her gaze shifted to the fuming control panel on the other side of the wall. Something bad had happened, it was for sure. She assumed poor Lieutenant Mitaka was not the reason of Kylo’s anger and he didn’t deserved to suffer it, but reporting bad news to Kylo Ren himself surely couldn’t be an easy task to do. In the moment her look wandered back to his mask, he released his grip on the man letting him fall on the floor. Without the slightest hint of fear in her voice she said.

“Commander, I am here as you requested.”

“Come in.” all he replied.

Walking in, her eyes met with Mitaka’s confused look, who just stood up from the ground, frozen in his spot, not daring to move another inch.

“Lieutenant” She greeted him properly. He returned her gesture with an almost invisible nod, looking at her like she was some kind of ghost. Thinking in the situation he had suffered a few minutes ago, he must have been frightened. Suffering Kylo Ren’s rage was something each and every officer tried to avoid and she couldn’t blame them. The only question was, why she wasn’t afraid of him at all? Only because she didn’t give him reason yet to get angry that didn’t mean he wouldn’t react the same way as with others.

Like he just realized that the lieutenant was still with them, Kylo turned to him with a deep growl. “Why are you still here?”

Wincing in fear, Mitaka managed to nod again, then technically ran out from the room. Her eyes followed his way out then let her gaze shift back to the destroyed wall. She had seen like that before. As her almond eyes rested for a second on the damage he had done, suddenly a strange new sensation formed in him. _Shame._ She shouldn’t have seen how weak he was, again. Yes, he did remember well, it wasn’t the first time she witnessed his lack of control, yet he didn’t sensed anything negative coming from her. He didn’t fail to notice that she didn’t project any sign of fear nor scorn, the most dominant emotion he sensed was pure worry. Was it possible that she didn’t label him as everyone else who knew him as Kylo Ren, _a monster?_

“You just saved that coward.” He commented, his voice reflecting his frustration. She couldn’t have known of course how she effected on him, that her simple exist near to him make him so _calm,_ it was like there couldn’t happen anything wrong anymore in that whole galaxy. No, she had no idea about that, she granted as disturbing the situation.

“What happened?” She asked, frowning in concern, her lips pursing together. Answering he turned to her, his hands still clenched by his side. “The pilot. He escaped.”

“Escaped, from here? But how is it even possible…” She wondered, managing to get out without any permission from the First Order’s flagship sounded a mission impossible.

“He had help, from one of our own.”

She raised an eyebrow to the fact. “Could he be the spy?”

“I don’t know if he was stupid enough to undercover himself with that, but if he was the spy we had been looking for, it was an ordinary Stormtrooper with no special skills. I’ve seen his personal report, it is hard to imagine that this one could able to manage all of their actions. Now it more look like that traitor just needed someone who can fly him out of here. However it could be a cover, now the most important is to find that droid.”

“What should we do?” She asked. _Yes_ , the question was valid, she had every right to suppose he had called her because he had a task for her to do. That was how it supposed to be, but the fact was he just realized that wasn’t the case. Scary as it was, she was the first thing coming to his mind receiving the bad news and deep inside he knew exactly it wasn’t because of she was somewhat related to the topic. A supervisor didn’t have to update his officers, no, actually he didn’t updated her as an officer, she updated her as his… he couldn’t find any words to finish that thought. _What was she?_ He had no friends, he couldn’t have, even the idea was ridiculous. But she was something _important_ to him, basically the only living thing he could turn to as a human being, and the only one he allowed to turn to him as one. Her deep brown eyes resting on his mask, still waiting for him to answer.

“Since they left Jakku, we alerted the whole galaxy that we are looking for them, they have no chance for escaping. All we have to do is wait, but I want you to join the report receiving team once we get back to the base. If anything happens I want to be the first one to know, report me directly.”

 

 

Since her position wasn’t obvious anymore she was glad that she received a task actually matching her original profile and collecting and analyzing the incoming reports was exactly like that. Hell, they needed to be filtered, if each of them were right that would meant that droid knew a new way of space travelling, showing up in the Kathol Sector in one minute then Hapes Cluster in the other. All of a sudden everyone in the galaxy believed to see the wanted droid, but yet it was nowhere.

“Where would you go if you wanna hide?” She asked 9E while absentmindedly playing with her hair she let out of the tight bun. The droid didn’t answered but she didn’t expect it to do so, it was still a grumpy little one.

“Good hint, haven’t thought about that…” She added with the edge of irony in her voice. She must have admit that waiting for any inputs from others, wasn’t as interesting as being on field. Not like she missed the smell of blood or the voice of other’s pain, but she enjoyed travelling through the galaxy and she did enjoy the company of him. Yes, she did, there was no point denying it. One part of her mind told her it didn’t make any sense, that she only imagined too much into their relationship and there was no connection between them at all. But on the other hand she just couldn’t get rid of the feeling that he did really treated her differently. Was it even possible? Tons of questions thrusted in her mind again she wasn’t able to answer, but none of them hurt anyone right? Even if the whole thing only exists in her head, it was okay, she needed something to help her find her motivation, something which gave her a reason to wake up. If she was screwed enough to need a fantasy like that, who could blame her? She was so alone, the closest thing to a friend was the waspy droid she worked with. _Girl, you gonna lose your mind._

A new point flashed on the screen, another report. As she noted the sender she lost her sudden excitement, the chance that one of the biggest criminal organization of the Outer Rim was a reliable source seemed quite low, but she opened the message sent by the Guavian Gang. For her biggest surprise it turned to be the most useful hint she already got.

 _Millennium Falcon?_ She had heard that name before.

 

 

 _Millenum Falcon_.

He never expected to meet with this name again. For a short period all seemed to find its right place, but before it could finally happened, everything turned upside down again. He was just one step away from finally getting that map and prove Snoke that he deserved his faith in him. He knew he sensed it. All of the conflicts playing inside him and in that moment it was worse than ever. There was only one thing helping him calm down and get focus and it wasn’t the guidance of the Supreme Leader. Not anymore. It scared him, the fact that he was depending on someone else who had no idea about that. He wasn’t sure if he could let it happen again, if he dared to let it happen. Last time it did, he was left alone, abandoned by all of his loved ones. He learnt to live without them, he didn’t needed them, he didn’t anybody who didn’t wanted him back. Was it possible if she did?

A memory floated in his mind, a picture slowly emerging from the blurriness. Inside a cockpit, a young boy sitting in the lap of his father examining the control panel of the ship, carefully touching the different buttons on the dashboard. Leaning forward to reach as far as he could managed from that position, the boy’s curled locks fall in his face. The father chuckled seeing his excitement.

“Easy Ben, we have as much time as you want and this baby will take you anywhere.”

 _As much time as he want._ The lie still hurt. _No. He has no time for that._ He needed to find that droid, no matter on which rusty iron piece it was.


	12. XII.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new chapter day! I know this one is a little intense, but it needs to be like that to move the events and emotions forward...Good news, the next chapter is almost completed and we'll get to a very crucial point in the story.

The Resistance could manage to get the droid out of the Rim but was foolish enough to watch the missing piece of the map, making other possible sources of the information. Following the hints they had received, they quickly found the Falcon on Takodana. The invasion was quick, they had no chance escaping again. It supposed to be the easy part, _oh well… it wasn’t._

It was the first time she saw him like that:

scared. He stormed out of the interrogation room, his mask off, having just a quick look at her, but that moment was enough for her to notice the pure horror reflecting in his eyes. The observation panel was off so she had no idea what happened inside, but his expression truly frightened her. She wanted to know what happened or ask how she could help, but she remained silent instead, giving him the chance to decide.

 

It just couldn’t happen. No, it just could not...

The girl resisted his power, _how he could face something like that?_ How he supposed to do that? A simple scavenger took away from him the _only thing he had_. Yes, that was all he ever had, the only thing making him feel he worth something, _and now it was gone._ His whole body shaking in anger mixed with fear he stepped out of the room, his eyes desperately searching for something he could seek some comfort, _her._ She didn’t say or ask anything but her simple existence was enough to calm his nerves down. Her look reflected her concern and he wasn’t capable to hold it, realizing as a strange sensation washed through his body, _shame_. He didn’t want her to realize his weakness, to acknowledge his fail, he knew he wouldn’t be able to bear to see her disappointment… But in case of he couldn’t solve the situation, soon enough everyone would realize he was nothing, and that scavenger would turn out to be right that he would be never as strong as his grandfather. He couldn’t let that happen.

 

 

Without any instruction or given task to do she returned to her office, silently struggling with her honest worry. As she stepped in she immediately collapsed to her chair trying to gain back her focus, it was a battle she already lost however. After taking a deep breath as if it could solve anything, she turned her device on, hoping a few smaller to do would keep her mind distracted. Seeing the long list of report waiting for her, a desperate sigh escaped from her lungs. _Great,_ apparently receiving a new task didn’t mean that the rest solve themselves. It took almost an hour only to read and filter the files, analyze and prepare them for a report would take at least a whole day. At that point she suddenly felt lucky she usually couldn’t sleep.

Totally dived into the work, she needed to blink a few times before realizing it wasn’t an illusion, her room really started to get darker. She quickly got to her feet walking to the small window at the end of her office. She needed to stand to her tiptoe to manage to look out, but then she saw the reason… it was the superweapon she technically lived in. Starkiller Base was charged through the power of stars, gradually blocking out sunlight until, running at full capacity, it extinguished it completely, leaving the surface in darkness. _It is charging now?_ That was the point she couldn’t just ignore what was happening, deciding to find out, she quickly switched her device off and left the office. Things seemed to speed up and she strongly assumed that the missing droid, that new girl and all of that took a big part in that. When heading through the communication bay, suddenly the sharp sound of the alarm system hit her ears.

_“Every unit must return to its safety bunker now. Every unit must return to its safety bunker now.”_

The monotone mechanical voice and the sound of the sharp siren mixed everywhere, echoing through the metal walls. She let out an annoyed sigh and turned on her heel to make her way to the safety point. Trying to figure out the easiest way to get there, she decided to use the maintenance corridor. She followed the sings but the end of the hall was closed with a gate, she almost started to laugh, _how typical it’s happening with me,_ she thought. She almost turned around when she realized it was actually open.

 _Interesting._ Not planning to turn back at that point, she stepped through and found herself standing in a narrow corridor in a huge hangar. She had no idea where she was, it seemed like a maintenance quarter, huge metal panels surrounded her, with a deep gap in the middle. The narrow corridors linked the levels together, and a long bridge a few floors above. As she looked down she noticed some figures standing there. She moved closer trying to figure out what was happening, but her confusion just grew with each detail she discovered. A few levels upper her she noticed a girl, _probably the girl,_ standing next to someone but before she could analyze the couple, she realized someone moving much closer to her. She turned to see a tall furry figure, most probably a wookie, only two levels under her.

 _How on earth the Resistance managed to get there?_ The base was protected by a planetary shield that was strong enough to deflect any bombardment and could not be penetrated by any ship traveling at sublight speeds.

She needed a few seconds to realize what the wookie was doing: applicate detonated explosives on columns supporting an access tunnel that led into the thermal oscillator's conduit. Shit. _They want to blow it up._ Calculating her chances, the fact the she was overpowered and without any weapon, her only shot was to turn back and seek for some support. Trying to make the less noise she could manage, she turned around sneaking back to the door, when a loud shout stopped her, it wasn’t addressed to her however, it made her freeze on the spot she stood. Unfortunately she couldn’t understand the word, it came from too far. She turned her head to the direction and realize Kylo standing on the bridge above a vast open space, with another man on the other side of the walkway, slowly approaching him. His tall caped figure froze, slowly turning around, facing the man who had called out for him. Their words echoed through the huge space, but she couldn’t understand them, they were too far. Glancing back she saw that the wookie also watching them, probably also didn’t understand anything about their conservation. The situation was so absurd, she had no idea how she supposed to act, and if it was up to the wookie that place would blow up in any minutes… what if the man just tried to distract Kylo? Being completely unsure what she should do, she turned back as if it helped her to analyze the situation, but it didn’t help. Reaching up, Kylo slowly removed his mask as the older man slowly moved toward him. _Who the hell he was?_ They kept talking, while the man was only one step away from him, they must have been know each other, it was for sure _._

 _A thud_.

So loud that it almost hurt her ears. Kylo dropped his mask to the floor then grabbed his saber and extended his arm out with it. The movement was slow but determined. Completely paralyzed by the events she witnessed, she was barely breathing, the tension was so heavy even she could felt it being totally out of context and having no idea what was happening exactly. The movements were so slow, almost intimate… then in a flash, the fiery red beam lanced outward to pierce the man from front to back. Watching the man falling down from the bridge, Lana gasped, hearing the girl from above crying out simultaneously.

Something was really, really messed up there... _she needs to do something._ Moving to run back to the door the sound of a blaster stopped her. For a brief second she thought she had been shot, but she quickly realized it wasn’t her, _but Kylo_. Loudly roaring, the wookie with a huge blaster in his large hands pointed at him. She saw him collapsing to the ground growling in pain while from nowhere a squad of trooper appeared, firing back at the attacker, then constant shots and shouting filled her ears. _The detonators._ They needed to get out there. Finally moving back to way she came from, she was only a few inch from the door when a huge explosion pushed her to the floor. She felt as she landed on the hard surface, then she realized she was actually falling, and everything turned black…

 

 

And white. Too white, it hurt her eyes. She needed to blink a few times to clear up her sight, she was in a medical room.

_Oh hell, not that again._

Blinking another few times, turning her head to the side, she realized a tall figure sitting next to her. Kylo sat there, leaning forward, his elbows rested on his knees, his look directed to the floor. He didn’t wear his mask yet his expression unreadable. Looking at him she noticed a fresh, huge scar crossing his face. _What the hell had happened?_ _How long was she there? Where she was exactly anyway?_

 _“_ We are on the board of Finalizer.” Kylo informed her, just like last time in a very similar situation, reflecting to her thoughts. She nodded, rather to herself than to him and tried to sit up, but the attempt proved itself a wrong idea as a sharp pain stabbed in her side.

“Don’t.” He spoke again. “You fall from quite high, you need to rest.” He added, that time turning his face to her direction.

“Wh.. what happened?” She slowly asked, trying to analyze his expression.

 _“_ The Resistance attack destroyed the Starkiller, we needed to leave.” He answered, but she slightly shook her head. No, she wasn’t interested in that.

“You’ve been shot and that…”

 _“_ It’s nothing.” He interrupted before she could finish the sentence, his features stiffened, his look hardened. Standing up, and changing the subject he spoke again, his tone sounded almost official. “As soon as you get better you’ll have a new quarter and workstation.”

Not being able to keep up with his mood shifts, she only managed to nod, but technically to his back as he left her room.

The list of things she didn’t know or understand seemed to soon extend to an infinite level, she was more confused than ever...


	13. XIII.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically this is the second part of the previous chapter, so, here we are...

Finalizer was nearly twice the length of a usual Imperial-era Star Destroyer so then that her workstation placed on the commander bridge, she needed to take long walks from there to her sleeping quarter.  
Being tired after one of the first days returning back to work, she needed a moment to realize the door of her room was open. She hesitated, then slowly stepped in. The lights were off, but still she could see the silhouette kneeling on the floor.  
“Commander?” She called, but got no reply.  
No, the Commander wasn’t there.  
Kylo sat on the floor, his hands covering his face. Slowly approaching him, she realized that he was shaking. Completely unsure about what she supposed to do, she stopped a few steps away but close enough that he could feel her presence next to him. Long minutes passed in complete silence before he spoke.  
“It was my father.” He stated, his voice broke.  
She didn’t need time to know whom he was referred to. He knew she was already there. Of course he knew… Playing the pictures of that night again, reliving moments by moments in her mind, she felt the pure shock slowly paralyzed every inch of her body. The man falling from the bridge, the man he had killed… was his own father. She felt a knot forming in her throat, she was barely able to breath. Hundreds of questions attacked her mind immediately but she remained silent, giving him the chance to continue. After another long pause he went on.  
“I thought, it would make me stronger.” His voice was shaking, anger mixed with pain and sorrow. “I’m so torn apart… I wanted to be free of this pain…”  
He was desperate, broken. He needed release, and there was only one place to go, to her. He didn’t know how she would react, he would understood any kind of reaction. Even though he knew it would be unbearable to see her disappointment, he needed that punishment. He expected her to freak out, ran away, call him a monster… what he was exactly. That was what he deserved. He had been prepared for everything, except for what happened.  
She didn’t say or ask anything for a while, then he felt her move. For a moment he was sure she would leave. But she didn’t. She stepped closer and slowly kneeled next to him to the floor. Understanding what she had witnessed with her own eyes, realizing the true tragedy she had seen filled her heart with the deepest pain she had ever felt before. He didn’t want to kill him. The realization almost hurt. She quickly understand that he didn’t have a choice. Looking at him like that, feeling his pain, she felt her heart breaking.  
Kylo Ren the commander didn’t have the chance to decide… but in that moment it wasn’t Kylo Ren the commander with her, it was a broken, lonely boy who lost his father. Both men in one body was a conflict he needed to live with, and she wanted to help desperately, wanted to say something to make him feel any better… but _how she could ease such struggle?_  
His usually so massive, frightening figure seemed so small in that moment, his legs pulled to his chest, his arms hugging them around like a lost child waiting for someone to find him. His locks falling into his face she couldn’t see his expression, but she did need to. Turning to his curled up frame, reaching toward him uncertainly, her fingers trembling, she gingerly touched his shoulders. She felt him shiver under her touch, but he didn’t flinch away, accepting the new, warm sensation it caused. Her fingers meeting with the material of his uniform, slowly started to draw small circles all around the rough fabric. He let her.  
“Everything is going to be all right.” Her voice merely a whisper. He didn’t replied, only moved closer and leaning down, lowering his head into her lap. She could see then his wet cheeks, a few locks sticking to his damp skin, dark circles under his closed eyes, he looked so young, so fragile. Running her fingers up to his neck, then even higher to his head, she started to gently caress his soft locks. His breath slowly became steady, and she could feel the slow rhythm of his heartbeat. Feeling as the calmness slowly embracing him, her gentle touch on his back and the warmth of her perfect existing, Kylo Ren found a place where he could finally quiet down for a short time.

 

She wasn’t sure when she had fall asleep, but she was in her bed wrapped in a blanket properly, someone had to take her in. Only imagining the situation made goosebumps all over her skin. Kylo wasn’t there, but she wasn’t surprised. She was still shocked, both about his story and the fact that he came to her. There was nobody else he could turn to, but her. She sat up, there was no point to sleep back from there. She climbed out the bed when she realized him outside, sitting on the floor, legs crossed, eyes shut down. She wanted to turn back not to disturb his mediation, but then heard his low voice.  
“Don’t go. Come here.” She quickly obeyed, moving a few steps closer standing right before him, then saying.  
“I’m sorry I didn’t want to disturb you.”  
“No. Your presence make me calm.” He replied, eyes still closed. He looked like an angle like that, his brown locks framing his soft features, his expression so calm, so pure. His chest slowly raising as he took a deep breath, then spoke again.  
“You told me everything is going to be all right.” His voice seemed calmer now, but the fact that he let her saw him in such a vulnerable way told her he wasn’t right at all.  
“Tell me, how? Because I don’t find the answer. The Dark and the Light… They are tearing me apart.” That time he opened his eyes, raising his look at her. She saw pure fear in them, begging for help. She wondered how it was possible to bear that much conflict, so much pain. She obviously still didn’t know his whole story, but one thing was already clear, decisions the commander needed to make, wasn’t always the same choices he would have made. His power took too much pressure on him, a weight that nobody should carry. She knew about the Force, she even learnt about it but she couldn’t understand it properly. The Dark and the Light always confused her, she could only imagine one power sticking the galaxy together, it didn’t seem logical to her that power parted ways, wasn’t that all about balance?  
“Do you really have to choose between them?” She finally asked, her voice almost like whisper. Kylo’s eyes widened at the question, but he didn’t say a word, letting her finish.  
“Maybe…” She paused looking for the right words. “I think… the Dark and the Light… and this whole thing around, is a wrong concept.”  
“It’s not something you can question. They are exist.” He replied, his gaze intensely holding hers.  
“And I don’t...of course not. But it seems to me…” She paused again hesitating, not sure she could really say what she thought.  
“Please, go on.” He said, something flickering in his eyes. Hope? Whatever it was she hadn’t seen anything like that before. Taking a deep breath she continued.  
“As far as I know, originally Sith used the Dark side of the Force, while Jedi used the Light, right? One of them believed anger and frustration can make them strong, while the others tried to smother any strong emotions... But it couldn’t have been the right way, Sith and also Jedi are almost gone…”  
“And what exactly they did wrong?” He asked, his voice didn’t show any emotion that time.  
“Both side tried to influence their own emotions.” She simply answered.  
“You can gain power from the Force only if you learn which, and how to use feelings.  
“But you don’t have to change to way who you are, to be strong.” She stated.  
“And what that supposed to mean?”  
“You shouldn’t influence the way you feel. You should use them, _all of them_.” She stopped, she didn’t want to go too far. She saw in his eyes that her words affected, he looked confused, almost frightened. Long minutes passed by as they looked at each other in silence until Kylo broke it.  
“I was trained to be a Jedi once… but I couldn’t fit in. I was never able to ignore my anger or passion… I was stronger than the others and they started to fear me, at some point even my master started to do so.” She listened carefully, even barely taking a breath, being afraid that he suddenly changed his mind and stop telling her his story. She never dared to imagine he would open up for her once like that. “He started to worry that he wouldn’t be able to control me. One night I woke up to see him standing above me with his saber in his hands.”  
“He wanted to kill you?” She gasped, her eyes widened in shock, _how could someone fail him like that?_  
“Yes.” He nodded, his voice lack of any emotions, his features hardened by the evoked memory.  
“And what did you do?” She asked knowing that may she would cross a line, but that didn’t scare her anymore. Kylo broke their eye contact turning his head away, but he replied.  
“I revenged.” She didn’t replied instantly only to move the direction he just turned, standing just right before him again.  
“You don’t have to feel bad about you did. He failed you.” She said, making him raise his head up again, their face almost in the same level, their gaze locked together.  
“That is another reason we need to find him.”  
_Damn._ So it was his reason, his personal motivation to find him, to find Luke Skywalker. Because he was the one who abandoned him, who didn’t believe in him, the one who failed on a boy who gave him all his faith.  
“We will.” She replied.  
He wanted to believe her, believe that everything would be all right, and for a few moments he just let it happen. She was able to give him the relief he needed, and in that moment he needed it more than anything. It took some time but soon enough he started to understand how she could have that effect on him, why she was so important to him. Because she could understand him the same way, as he could understand her from the first moment he had seen her very soul. That was why it was so easy being with her, because they were very similar in many aspects. She wasn’t afraid of him because somehow she could see his real self and even though she stayed by his side, no matter how horrible things he had done she understood. When he was the loneliest, _she found him_.


	14. XIV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I need to apologize for the long pause but I needed time to write this chapter, since it is a very important one from more perspective. I rewrote like six times until I kinda less hated it, hope you'll enjoy!

Years. So many years, he couldn’t even count it. _No_ , he wouldn’t be able to tell how many years passed by since someone touched him like that, _with care_. It was like after those dream-visions, he could still feel her touch on his skin. It wasn’t fair. Why he needed to learn how to live like that, separated from everyone else, completely alone? What if she was right, and it didn’t supposed to be like that? What if it wasn’t him who needed to decide where he belonged to, what if he just didn’t have to choose between the Dark and the Light? The idea seemed so easy. _Everything_ seemed so easy with her and he craved for that feeling. He needed that more than anything.

Turning his head to her direction he laid his eyes on her sleeping frame. Her locks all around the pillow in a blond mess, lips partly open, finally managing to fall back again, she slept well. It wasn’t his intention to stay there and watch her but he just couldn’t force himself to leave. He felt as if he took a few steps away, getting more far from her, the pressure grew so heavy he wouldn’t be able to bear. That small, fragile girl’s effect on him was so strong, and it was nothing to do with the Force.

 

She could have just felt it was all a dream, if the first thing she saw after opening her eyes wasn’t Kylo Ren sitting a few feet away from her on the ground, his back leaning to the wall, arms resting on his knees. Deep dark circles around his eyes, tired look meeting her worried gaze.

“You didn’t sleep at all? You should take some rest.”

“So the fact that I wasn’t sleeping bothering you more than I sat here while you did?” However it was technically a question, it didn’t sound like one. She ignored it, asking.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” _Of course._ Staying with her all night totally proved that point.

“Look, you don’t have to tell me. Just know that you can.” She stated, then trying to make him feel more comfortable she distracted the subject.

“I hope I didn’t snore.”

“No. You slept very calm.”

Her brows raising in surprise. “Really? Usually I have nightmares but…” The realization hit her really quickly. “This time I didn’t have any…”

“I would have felt if you had one.” Kylo said, stating like the most common thing in the galaxy. The fact that he could sense her emotions, in cases even being able to hear her thoughts seemed still so absurd, but the idea of she didn’t have any nightmares _because_ of he was there, caught all her attention. _Was it possible like that?_ The beep of here holopad snapped her out of her mind, directing her look on the device.

6:44 System message on behalf of General Hux: Shift change, starting at 7:00

 _Oh damn._ She jumped to her feet, quickly starting to make herself presentable in the First Order official way.

“Do you have nightmares often?” She heard the voice of Kylo coming from outside of the bathroom. She managed a quick hum as a reply while making her bun, while squeezing a pin between her lips, then pulling in out and fixing her shorter locks she added.

“Usually almost every night... _Do you_?” She wasn’t sure about asking that was a good idea, but after what happened between them earlier that night, she dared to risk it. She wasn’t sure however he would ever show her that vulnerable side of his again. Probably not.

“I don’t really have dreams. I have _visions._ ”

“Visions?” She asked back while walking back to the room where he still sat.

“Things that happened in the past, things that will happen in the future. Warnings, signs, sometimes things, even I don’t understand.”

“It sounds like the Force doesn’t let you sleep. Like it doesn’t give you the chance to relax.”

“You get used to it.” He simply replied, shifting his look from her face to the floor.

“Well, I really hope you are able to do that…” She said with a meaningful look, then added. “I’m sorry but I have to go now.”

“You don’t have to, you are with me.” He stated however he also knew that wasn’t the case. He just really didn’t want her to leave.

“We both know I’m not gonna tell that to anyone. Especially not to the General.” She said, a half smile hiding in the corner of her lips. _Yes_ , he knew that, he just couldn’t make her stay. Heading to the door something made her stop, something she never imagined to hear from him, _her name._

“Lana?” His voice soft, lack of any official tone, smooth almost. Turning around her eyes finding him, their gaze connected again. His expression unreadable, a mix of exhaustion and something, she couldn’t figure out what it was exactly. He wanted to thank her, tell her how grateful he was that someone payed attention to him, to actually him. Not to the Commander or the Force User, or the Maser of the Knight of Ren, but to him, whoever he was. He wanted to let her know so baldy, but he just couldn’t say the words out loud. Realizing his struggle she broke the silence.

“Try to have some rest.”

 

 

She sighed again, almost angrily that time. No matter how hard she tried to focus on her work whirls of emotions and images of the recent events occupied her mind. The fact that her station was located in the General’s commander quarter didn’t help either. She suddenly started to miss her almost empty but calm former office. The commander bay was always busy, new orders and reports announced in any other minute.

“General resistance ship approaching. Guns and shield in attack mode.”

Hux turned on his heels looking at the screen of the officer, his expression skeptical. “A single light fighter?

In the same moment an incoming call requiry started to flash on Lana’s screen.

“General…” She started but Hux stood already next to her.

“Patch him through.” He nodded so she switched the channel on. As she heard the voice started to speak, she immediately recognized it. _The pilot._

“Attention. This is Poe Dameron of the Republic fleet, I have an urgent communiqué for General Hugs.”  

Something twitched on Hux’s face, but he chose to ignore the misspell and pulled out his best official tone.

“This is General Hux of the First Order. The Republic is no more. Your fleet are Rebel scum and war criminals. Tell your precious princess there will be no terms, there will be no surrender.”

For a long pause no reply came, then: “Hi, I’m holding for General Hugs.”

She checked her screen, the line was clear. _Definitely the pilot._

“This is Hux. You and your friends are doomed. We will wipe your filth from the Galaxy.”

“Okay. I’ll hold.” That time Hux turned to her, annoyed look on his pale face.

“Can he hear me?” He asked impatiently, starting to pace around.

“Line verified General.” She confirmed the question, then watched as his expression changed from the usual stiff calmness to uncontrolled anger.

“Open fire!”

But it was too late. That pilot knew what he was doing and his plan worked. Everyone’s eyes shifted to the control window, watching explosions hit one by one along the top of the dreadnaught cruiser in front of them.

“Captain Canady, why aren’t you blasting that puny ship?” Hux shouted, his voice echoing through the cold panels. She didn’t hear the answer, but she didn’t need to, it was obvious. The X-wing fighter was too small and out of range, she couldn’t even saw it, but she could see clearly where it was going, the pilot tried to clearing out the surface cannons. _That badass insane._

“General more bombers are coming!” An announcement came but in the same moment the first explosion hit and she had never seen more beautiful tragedy in her life. The bombs hit the surface of the cruiser and the dreadnaught blew up, flames danced around like firework. Her eyes literally glued to the view, until a flash on her screen made her redirect her attention. Another incoming request.

_Holy shit…_

“General, Supreme Leader Snoke is making contact from his ship.” Hearing her words he suddenly seemed paler than usual, but managed to reply in a confident tone.

“Excellent. I’ll take it in my chambers.”

Nodding she turned back to her screen to redirect the call, but before her touch could reach the panel, the line activated and The Supreme Leader’s head appeared in the middle, making everybody frozen in their spot.

“General Hux.”

She didn’t see the face only the back of his head, but even hearing his voice made shiver down her spine. Hux opened his mouth to speak, but only a grunt could escape as an invisible power pulled him down, so he ended on to the floor with a loud thud.

“My disappointment in your performance cannot be overstated.”

“They can’t get away Supreme Leader. We have them tied on the end of the string.”

“I very hope that you cannot let me down General.”

The line cut off. She didn’t dare to look at Hux but she heard him getting up from the floor, then addressing everybody in the room.

“Leave.”

 

Heading through the commander bay she was wondering about Snoke’s power. How was that even possible? To be so incredibly powerful to be able to control from distance? The experience was horrifying. Things started to get more and more intense and she wasn’t sure how much she would be able to bear. Since the attack to her Scarif team literally everything had changed, and no matter that she had been once trained to take a lot more than that, she was afraid it soon would be too much. Working for the First Order meant a lot of pressure, it was clear, she was raised by those circumstances, the problem was something else. There was something she wasn’t really used to have, her emotions. Since then, she never mixed her feelings with her tasks but with Kylo getting in the picture, everything got a new perspective.

Reaching the entrance of her quarter she stopped for a second, wondering. _Would he be still there?_ Answering the question the door slip open before her, stepping in the first thing she noticed was his mask placed the same spot as before. So he didn’t leave at all.

“The pilot has some spirit.” He said, while her eyes finding him sitting at her kitchen counter. He knew what happened _for sure._

“Yes he has.” She confirmed, walking in and sitting next to him on the other chair like it was the most common situation in the galaxy. “Did you try to sleep?” She asked after a short pause, eyeing him suspiciously.

“I couldn’t.”

She slowly nodded never letting his eyes, asking. “Are you going to tell me why?”

“I’m not able to defend my mind while I sleep.” He replied, surprising her with the direct answer.

“Defend from… oh.” _Snoke._ He didn’t want to give him a chance to prove him weak. He did what he had to, no matter how he felt about it and he needed time to deal with it.

 “Until I have these feelings about what happened with…” He didn’t finish the sentence, so she did with a nod.

“…your father, you cannot let him see it. I get it.”

Yes, she did really get it he felt it, and it made him feel so safe. There was someone in that galaxy who could see what he was going through. He felt their connection clearer every day, making him feel things he had never thought he would be capable of. _Trust. Affection_. He could just let himself answering her, without trying to control his thoughts. She didn’t reply but her look said it all. They sat there like that, looking at each other for another long minute before she shifted her gaze away slipping from her chair to her feet.

“Hungry?” Not really planned to waiting for his answer, she turned to the kitchen.

“I should go.” He mumbled but so quietly she barely heard it. He wasn’t used to social situations, it was clear.

“I promise I am not that bad cook.” She replied, trying to ease his struggle, her lips curling upwards.

“I don’t want to disturb you.”

“I think you cannot do that, you’re the Commander after all.” She answered turning her attention back to her task. She was joking he knew that and he allowed a light smile crossing through his face. He did really appreciated her effort to make him feel _normal._

“I saw that you know.” She said as a comment on his almost smile.

“Maybe I should consider wearing my mask with you.” _Good._ He was joking too, so her plan worked.

“Yeah, that would make sense I guess.” She shrugged, smile playing on her lips. “However you are in my quarter after all.”

“Technically, it is a quarter of the Order.”

“True, So I’ll have the door open, see if anyone else wanted to come in.” She nodded, humor still hiding in her voice.

“No one else would dare, I’m here.” He answered, making her smile turning to a laugh. _Yes, she could do that._ She was able to laugh with him and he loved how it sounded, the sensation caused something warm spreading in his very inside.

“Probably you are right. Not even my droid would come in.” She replied while placing two plates on the table.

“You never did.” He stated, his voice turning serious again.

“I never did what?” She asked raising her eyebrow, her movement stopping for a second.

“You never feared me.”

First she hummed in reply, titling her head to the side, thinking. _Was she?_   “I… I did find you intimidating.”

“Yet, you didn’t fear. I sensed it. You wasn’t afraid of me.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but she realized she had no idea what she could possibly answer to that.

“That’s not a bad thing. It made me feel… ordinary.”

“Well, you should know that I don’t use that word to describe you.”

“What word would you use then?” Kylo asked, leaning forward in his position, his look curiously searching in her brown eyes. Holding his gaze she didn’t replied for a while, trying to ignore the tension building up slowly around them. _Incredible._ That was the word she’d use. His pure exist was simply incredible… she didn’t plan to say it out loud however. The nature of their relationship clearly outstepped the boundaries of the official status, but it was hard to put any label on it and she didn’t even bother to do so.

“A word? Give me a few years to finish that book.”


	15. XV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry!

_You are no Vader, just a child in a mask._

He sighed standing up, starting pacing around the room unconsciously. He felt betrayed, lost. He trusted in the guidance of the Supreme Leader, he followed the path he leaded him and he had never questioned it so far, yet it didn’t seem to matter. He hadn’t done enough, he still couldn’t prove him how strong and dedicated he was. He killed his own father and it still wasn’t enough, he should have sacrifice more. His words repeated in his head again and again.

_Haven’t you still realized? That girl makes you weak, so unbalanced that someone who had never held a lightsaber could bested you. She made you fail._

He had knew it would have come. He knew Snoke saw inside his mind, there was no way to hide his feelings from him, the feelings towards her. As he walked back to his quarter after talking to him, he felt emptiness, and he was exhausted, he hadn’t slept since more than two days. Reaching his bedroom he kicked off his boots, laid to his bed and closed his eyes.

_Fail._

_She made you fail._

_The girl makes you weak._

_You fail…_

_It was there again_ , but it wasn’t like he got used to. It was different that time, something was strange. He felt unusually relaxed, like he just had a decent sleep, he wasn’t used to it. Then he felt something stir next to him, he turned his head to see blond locks around the other pillow, framing messily a beautiful face. She was sleeping. Then he realized her light weight on him, her legs tangling around his waist. He merely moved but she opened her eyes, frowning her brows, mumbling.

“Not yet…just a bit longer.” With that she crawled closer, her head then on his bare chest.

“I stay then Sunshine.” He replied. That was her, the warmness of his life.

“Thank you.” She said and closed her eyes back.

He looked at the blondie mess on the top of him. It was perfect. He slowly raised one of his hands and gently stroke down on her soft skin from her shoulders to her waist, then pulled her closer. She let him, giggling into his neck.

“What are you doing Kylo Ren? I am barely awake.” As he felt her hot breath on his skin, he felt something spreading in the very inside of him.

“Just enjoying you being so close.” He replied. She suddenly sat up, one of her legs on the other side of him, a playful grin on her lips. She looked at him for a brief moment like that, then leaned forward, her lips almost touching his.

“Well, I can be closer if that’s what you want.” Squeezing her close to his chest he decided to sat up too, making her giggle again. _Hell, he loved that sound._

“I like how that sounds.” He replied, feeling as his lips twitched, _he smiled._

“Well then Commander, as you wish.” She said, finishing the space between them, starting to peck his lips. Her hot breath and her fingers trailing down on his back made him feel a way he had never felt before. She bit his lower lip, making a moan escaping his lips, then she leaned back leaving a few inch between them, smiling, her almond shaped eyes on him. “I love you.”

_Love…_

His eyes snapped open, his heart pounding heavily in his chest. He looked around in the dark room to find it empty. He was alone, as always. _What just happened?_ Was it the future? It seemed impossible that ever in this entire universe something so perfect would happen with him. Force visions wasn’t that easy to put a finger on. He still felt her touch on his skin, and the sensation drove him crazy. Could it be there _any_ chance to make this vision true? He sat up on the edge of his bed, his arms rested on his knees, his head in his palms as he recalled the pictures he had just saw. _Love._ He thought of the girl, sleeping in her quarter, merely a few levels between them. He sensed her presence stronger than ever, as she just stood by his side at the moment. But she didn’t, and the feeling made a growing empty space in him. He felt it from the very beginning _, she was just different_. She had turned toward him as to another human being, she saw behind his role yet she never disrespect his status. She saw his struggle, but she didn’t judge, she merely understood. How was that even possible?

First it had scared him, the fact that someone saw him no matter how hard he tried to cover himself but then… it started to comfort him. He could just being himself, something he couldn’t allow since his childhood. She didn’t try to change him, she didn’t try to push him one way or the other. She just tried to help.

And now, Snoke wanted him to kill her. He had no choice.

_He couldn’t allow to anyone to make him weak._

 

 

She was sitting in her bed trying to calm herself down. She got used to waking up in the middle of the night, trying to forget the details of the dream she just had, but it was something new. A completely new dream, and from more perspective a lot scarier than the ones she already had. Her heart wanted to jump out of her chest, she felt as if she just ran through the base twice. No, that wasn’t happening. _Be rational. You know how to do it. You’ve learnt how to do it. You are capable of it._ She shook her head like it could help to erase the pictures of the dream, but the attempt proved itself a total failure. That new dream overstepped a line she tried her best not to cross, not even in her mind. But it seemed like her mind betrayed her. _“I stay then Sunshine.”_ Why on earth he would ever call her like that? Her fantasy was too vivid. She should have to stop her imagination. “ _Just enjoying you being so close.”_ No, she couldn’t do that… She couldn’t fell in love with Kylo Ren. She. Just. Couldn’t.

_Oh damn Novall, who you want to fool. You messed it up, badly._

 

Sometimes only a second enough to understand everything…

She was so naïve… How come she never thought about the consequences? She didn’t really think about what she really did, what things she had told Kylo...  She must have known The Supreme Leader would never let it happen. It was so obvious. He made him kill his own father, if he found out… what she could expect? She just needed one moment, only one tiny second to suddenly realize what was about to happen when her holopad beeped and read the short message.

4:24 Commander Ren: I’m sorry.

She didn’t need to ask what he was sorry for exactly. She was a bug in the plan. An unwanted complication. Something, which made him distracted. She should had knew, Snoke never allowed to let this happen. And if he saw what she had told him about the Dark side… He would wanted her dead.

_He wants her dead._

Suddenly it all made clear. She felt as panic hit her. It was not as simple… She couldn’t just get away with this, she couldn’t just walk out of the picture.

 _No, she couldn’t_. She just heard her door opening and in the next moment trooper stood next to her.

“Officer, you have to come with me.”


	16. XVI.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since you were so impatient, I wont let you down! Here is the next chapter for you <3

 

Lana Novall never thought about how or why she would die. Growing up in a middle of a war, socializing in a military from the moment when she got out from the Academy, held the possibility of death always open. It surrounded her in her all life, so it seemed pointless bothering with it all the time. And even then, when she knew death was just around the corner, her deepest emotion wasn’t the fear from it. All she could think of how foolish she was.

 “Bring her.” She heard his voice and his cold, official tone made it obvious, it was the Commander again.

As two trooper grabbed her pushing her forward, she didn’t resisted. They held her wrist tight as leading the way. Kylo walked a few steps ahead, not even looking at her. She felt sick and stupid. Abandoned. It was worse than ever. The emptiness overwhelmed her, she couldn’t even cry. _How she couldn’t see this coming?_ How she could really believe in he had feelings for her?

Deep in her thoughts it took long minutes for her to realize where they were going. They crossed through several halls and bridges she had never seen before, until they reached a huge entrance with two praetorian standing before. There were only one people who was protected by the red armored figures.

Kylo stopped, his cold expressionless face, like once his masked used to, looked back at her, that was the first moment when he turned toward her.

“Move.” That was all he said. Realizing whom she was going to meet was the moment when panic started to overwhelm her. She struggled to make even a step, her feet didn’t want to carry her further. She took a deep shaky breath, finally stepping forward. She felt Kylo’s gaze on her back and it made her feel even more desperate. Why was he doing all that? He could just order her execution, why did he bring her here, facing the Supreme Leader? Her mouth completely dried. Stepping inside, she saw an enormous, almost empty room with a huge throne in the middle, guarded by six more red armored guard.

She never imagined to meet with the Supreme Leader in person. She froze to her spot, she never felt such desperate fear before. The freezing sensation in her gut completely paralyzed her, but she struggled to at least look forward, facing him. His pale skin, small cold eyes sitting deep in his awfully damaged face, several wrinkles and deep scars covered his almost white skin. Once he must have been a human, now he looked more like some unrecognizable creature.

 “Come closer.” A cold voice instructed and she found herself move obediently. There was no escape from that anyway. 

“Impressive.” He continued as she slowly approached him. She didn’t know how close she supposed to go, she almost reached the edge of the platform when he raised one of his pale hand and show her to stop. She stood so close, she saw every frightening detail of his old face, he looked like as he had been already dead.  He could just reach out and touch her, she felt like his gaze ate her alive.

“Impressive, how a small, insignificant girl like you, could gain such a huge impact on a highly trained, extremely strong Force user as him.” he stated, pointing behind Lana’s back referring to Kylo. She couldn’t dare to move and look at him.

“I was really interested in how far this would go before he realizes the consequences of his emotions. He really tried to hide it from me, but after I made Hux sent you to Cantonica it was obvious he wasn’t able to do that. I must tell, I was worried… that a tiny unexpected problem like you would cause his fail. It would be a big shame.” He spoke, his husky voice echoed all around them. As realization hit her, Lana felt shock mixing with her fear _. It was him from the beginning._ Snoke wanted her to go to Canton Bight… to see how Kylo would react. She was only a part of his training.

“Oh… you are surprised.” He went on, commenting on her feelings. She squeezed her eyes as his presence in her head started to grow. It was sudden, violent, completely different when Kylo had invaded her mind. He was everywhere, she felt like her long ice-cold fingers grabbed her brain and started to rip it out of her head. The pressure started to seem unbearable, she soon found herself collapsing to the ground.

“Stupid, naive girl… I showed him how to reach his real power, I gave him everything he has now. He would never betray me.” The pressure suddenly disappeared. “You, the Master of the Knights of Ren… you had come to the end of your training.”

“You honor me Supreme Leader.” She heard his answer, his voice smooth and dedicated. ”You can prove my doubts wrong, and finish your training. Are you ready to destroy your weakness? Are you ready to kill her?”

“She means nothing to me.”

Humiliation. Betrayal. It was worse than death.

“Good. Then get away with it.”

She didn’t need to turn around to feel him coming closer. She heard his heavy steps, and then she felt the hot, buzzling saber next to her neck.

It was true. He was ready to destroy his weakness, to efface his doubts and his struggle once and for all. He had never imagined he would be once able to do that, but he had too much. He did and sacrificed literally everything already, it wasn’t a question that he could do this one more thing. He stepped closer, her neck at the middle of his saber.

And he did it.

 

She felt the movement, the swing of the saber… and she suddenly felt a hard push on her side and she fell on the cold floor with a thud. She needed a few second to realize she was alive. She opened her eyes to see the half of Snoke lying dead next to her, Kylo stood before him, one of his hands holding his saber, the other still reached forward towards her.

He killed him.

He killed Snoke.

He pushed her away and he killed him _instead of her_.

“Stay there.” He ordered, as he raised up his saber again, still holding his other hand, the walls and the ceiling started shaking. The red armored guards moved together as one but Kylo was so much faster. She never saw such big raw force coming from somebody. Before they could even reach too close one of them already laid on the floor gasping for air, while another standing paralyzed while he sliced him in two. Only two of them managed to reach him. The walls started cracking, the noise echoed in the large space, as bigger and bigger pieces hit the ground. She could hardly see what was happening as the dust started to cover everything, the only thing she could hear was the vibration and the hits of the lightsaber and noises of the collapsing room. And in the next moment, he was there, kneeling next to her, his face covered with sweat and blood. He said nothing as he raised his hand before her face, and everything turned black.


	17. XVII.

She was in an infirmary. Again.

_Oh you got to be kidding me._

She wasn’t alone however, a medical droid stood in the end of her bed.

“What happened?” She demanded immediately.

“Hard hit on the skull might cause temporary amnesia.” The droid replied.

“What happened?!” She tried again, that time with much force in her voice.

“You got injured in a Resistance attack. Estimated recovery time within 3 days.” _Resistance attack?_ She didn’t have any damn amnesia, she remembered everything crystal clear.

“I don’t stay here 3 days... Actually I don’t stay here at all.” She stated and got to her feet. “Due to the level of the injury…” The droid started but she just stormed out completely ignoring it.

 _How did she get there, and how long she had been there?_ She looked down, she wore the same clothes as she remembered, her black uniform, it couldn’t had been that long, unless they had already changed it. She calmed down a little.

She didn’t know where to go, she had no plan where she could find out what the hell just happened, her head rustled and she was full of dirt. She needed to change before everything probably.

She quickly found herself before her room, going in and closing the door behind her back. Questions swirled in her head and with every moment the anger grew in her. What were that all supposed to mean? Resistance attack? Where was Kylo? What was his plan? And what was her role in it? He now got rid of Snoke, he could do whatever he want. Would he came back and kill her now?

“You should have stay at the infirmary.”

She turned around to see him standing in the entrance, his face blank, didn’t show any intentions. She felt insecure, vulnerable and anger. What did he want?

“You came here to give orders to me?” She snapped at him, letting her feelings come to the surface. She had no reason to pretend at that point. “Or are you here to kill me now?”

“Of course not.” He simply answered.

“Maybe then you can give me some explanations, how about that?”

He did expected that she would might be angry, but her actual reaction caught him off the guard. “Why are you so mad at me? I don’t know if you just considered the fact that I just did save you after all.” As the words left his lips he immediately knew it was a wrong question _._

 “Why?! You came here after all this and ask me why am I mad? I have every single reason on this galaxy to be mad and you know that.” She yelled, her eyes on fire. “Tell me Kylo, what kind of sick game are you playing with me?”

His eyes flickered as he spoke. “Lana, stop.”

“Why should I stop? I don’t want to do this anymore… What do you want from me? Why didn’t you just kill me as Snoke wanted to? You told me yourself that I mean nothing to you…” Her voice started to shake as the first teardrop filled in her eyes. She quickly turned her head away, her gaze fixed on the floor. He attempted to step closer, reaching his arm out, slowly touching her shoulder. For his surprise, she didn’t flinch away, so he gently pulled her to his arms. She let him silently crying, her face buried in the fold of his uniform. He felt her slightly shaking, so he shushed her in a low tone.  

“I’m sorry I hurt you. And to say those things, but I had to.” He felt her body tense as asking. “So… they wasn’t true?” Her voice low, almost like a whisper.

“No. But I needed you to believe in that, it could only work like that. Even I couldn’t hide my own emotions properly from Snoke, there was no way to protect yours. They needed to be real.”

She pulled back her head to manage to look up at his face. She opened her mouth to say something, anything in reply but she didn’t know what to say. He didn’t release her, his hands still on her back.

“Snoke basically saw everything in my mind, so I showed him my real intentions. I show him I wanted to destroy what made me weak. What he couldn’t see was the fact, that it was not you, but him.”

She only answered after a few seconds, considering what she just heard. “And how could you hide that part?”

Kylo paused for a moment before his reply. “Because of you.” He said finally.  

“Me?” Her voice weak, uncertain. He hesitated before answering like he had to think again if he could go on.

“You were right about using other emotions and my feelings for you are so strong, it gave me enough power to protect it.” He finished in a low tone. She didn’t reply, she just looked in his eyes, and he saw it, something flickering in them behind confusion. “I know you feel it too.” He added, pushing her over the edge. Suddenly her features softened, and he sensed her tensed body relax. Her lips slightly curled upwards, her vibes getting warmer instantly, _she smiled_.

“Well, you know you are kind of a cheater in this matter.” She replied then with a small giggle, her eyes sparkling. _That was it. The same playful laugh as in his vision._ And in that moment he started to believe that it could became true. He looked at her for another moment, before leaning forward and pressing his lips to hers, quick, unsure. Her soft lips against his created a sensation he was already familiar with from his mind, it tasted so sweet, it felt so natural. He knew from the first time he would never be able to hurt her. Pulling back, his look met with her warm eyes.

“So you won’t kill me now I guess.” She commented, the playful smile still on her.

“That’s the last thing I want to do.” He replied smiling back, then his face turned serious again. “I have to take care of a few other things, have some rest.”

She nodded in reply but as he reached the doorway he heard her voice.

“Kylo?” He stopped, turning around. “Will you come back?”

“I always will.”  

 

She was full with so much emotions she felt as there wasn’t enough space in her to bear it. _He kissed her._ She felt tired yet excited, she was worried still happy. Sleeping clearly wasn’t an option, so she just had a quick shower then laid on her bed trying to calm down. Now then she saw the whole picture, his plan seemed perfect. He was right, he must had to making her believe he didn’t care about her. _But he did._ The warm sensation spread in her body. He chose to kill his master, than to kill her. He cared about her. She wasn’t capable to think anything else.

She couldn’t decide how long he had been gone before coming back. Hearing as he stepped back to her room, she sat up in her bed seeing him standing in front of her. His face seemed somehow serious, she didn’t say anything, feeling the tension surrounding him. He didn’t say a word either looking in her eyes for a few seconds, then sliding his fingers on the two sides of her face, kissing her again. This time was completely different, hungry and passionate. He slid his fingers lower finding her waist, pulling her closer with his other hand, while she wrapped her arms around him pulling him even closer, their lips never leaving the others. He leaned forward, pushing her back to the bed, making her gasp for air as he laid on the top of her, her soft, warm body perfectly aligned with his. He felt her fingers playing with his hair, while her other hand on the back of his neck _._ He pulled his head back for a minute to let them caught for some air, her sweet hot breath on his lips, her hands claiming him closer immediately. With a strong movement he lift her up, her legs around his waist, her hands helping him removing every layer between them. Soon they were there with a non-existing distance, tangling in each other.

Everything felt so obvious.

 

Watching her on the top of him, her head on his bare chest, she was gingerly caressing the skin around the nasty burn mark on his left shoulder, it was perfect. “You are so beautiful. Sometimes I’m afraid you are not even real.”

“Sometimes? How long have you think about me like that?” She lazily asked with eyes closed, enjoying the moment.

“I’m not sure how long I denied. As Snoke said, Cantonica made it obvious even for me. I hated every second of that mission…”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better I hated too.” She sighed, opening her eyes, looking up at him.

“It doesn’t. What makes me feel better it is the fact that I killed that disgusting scum who touched you.”

“Don’t talk about that now… I’m here with you.”

“Yeah.” He replied playing with her blond locks, looking at her like he was still waiting for when he was about to wake up.

“Tell me what happened. And what is going to? Now that Snoke’s gone…”

“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of anything.”

“Hey.” She suddenly sat up, searching for his look. “Don’t do this. Don’t shut me out. You’re not alone… Talk to me.” He didn’t reply immediately, but she saw a hint of softness gleaming in his eyes.

“Now that the Resistance killed him, we have to revenge it.”

“With our new Supreme Leader, who is you.” She pointed out.

“I am not any leader of you.”

“Pity. It would have sounded pretty cool he’s in my bed right now.” She laughed.

“Well, in that case…” He replied, flipping her under him with one quick movement, making her laugh harder. “Your Supreme Leader has a request.”

“And what would that be?” She asked, pretending a serious tone, but smile playing in the edge of her lips. Kylo didn’t reply only closing the gap between their faces, kissing her.

“Anytime Supreme Leader.”


End file.
